Lovingheart

September 1, 2020 By 5am we are being settled into Marlon's room.  A double room but the other bed is empty.  Every time in the night Marlon was just about to relax and not be overtaken by the pain there seemed to be another interruption.  After the transfer Marlon was in pain and so thirsty so no sleep just lots of tears and restlessness.  They thought he may be having operation so no food or drink.  No operation today and he drinks and eats a bit Blood is taken to confirm what type of leukemia. Marlon is given Tylenol for pain and then morphine.  I am shocked. He is sleepy but it does help with the pain.  In the afternoon we speak with the doctor, Thomas and Linsy via speaker phone.  The leukemia type is Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), the most common form of childhood leukemia.  Treatment will be chemotherapy.  I am shocked when i see later that if left untreated it can be fatal within months. I don't necessarily use the C word wi...

August 31, 2020 That moment when the pediatrician calls and says McMasters ER is expecting you and I want to throw up but I can't breathe but I can't not breathe because I am hyperventilating and crying.  Everything is turned inside out and upside down and I can't go but I can't not go So we go and leukemia is confirmed and I just don't know...

This is a phrase that Paco would often use. It took me a while to understand what it meant (I guess I'm the dense one here). In his attempt to figure out this world and what any given day was, tomorrow was just another day of the week. Tomorrow is what we were planning for yesterday. My response to him was “ Today is the tomorrow of yesterday.” (or something like that.) Linsy's version of this is “When is tomorrow?” I was thinking of this today as I was listening to the kids playing/living (heck their life is a game). Paco woke up from his sleep and said “It's tomorrow!”. A lot of the kids' play/life right now is centered around work. Their phone is ringing off the hook with calls for them to work. They have many jobs and are working so much that they are very busy (well in theory anyway). Their calendar is always having something else added to the days. Often they use symbols to express the given job but Paco is also appreciating writing and often asks how to...

Interestingly enough I am dealing with carpal tunnel in my left hand. I am not sure why it is here but it sure is making me pay attention to how I use my hands. Is there any area where I predominantly use my left hand more than my right? The big one is using a knife to cut food in the kitchen. There are other things like brushing my teeth and cleaning the toilets but of course that isn't too much. I have been doing a lot of shoveling and though one side is definitely easier to use than the other, I do try to balance out how much I use each side. One thing I really notice is how my body works together. Each side has its specialty. One hand holds the blender the other one handles the spatula. One hand holds the dishes the other one holds the cloth. Ya know simple things that you just don't normally pay attention to. A newfound appreciation for all the things my body does without even paying attention. And I suppose that attention to those things that are often done ...

I have experienced many instances of late about blockages and things not moving smoothly. A lot of these relate to work or finding work that pays well. And I can see that I hold onto resistance to work. Do what works. What works best in my life is hanging out with the kids and our activities. There are times when we are doing whatever and I feel so grateful to be with them and having the opportunity to do what we do. Simple things like hanging outside and shoveling the snow in the middle of the day. Hanging outside and doing our own thing. Off on a little excursion of some sort. Many times I will feel such gratitude to be able to do these things. But the need to be bringing in more money is current in our life. And the possibility of full time work looms ahead. How – just how – would I deal with that? In a life where I often feel a lack of freedom just what would that do to me? What would that do to life as I know it? What would that do to just hanging out with the k...

The kids have many a disagreement everyday. Some are bigger than others but it does seem that regardless of how 'big' the disagreement there will be many screams. Linsy is a screamer. And oh how she screams – she is loud, she is shrill, and she is persistent. If there is something she wants there is little that she lets stand in her way. Including her brother or parents. If he has something she wants she will take it or scream until the windows rattle and her brother gives said item to her. Or her parents plead with her brother to give her said item or 'work something out'. Paco has his share of temper tantrums around their disagreements as well. One thing with their disagreements though is that they likely won't last too long. In a short period of time they have sorted things out and are happily onto the next event or activity. And for Thomas and I the hard part is keeping up with them. I am still reeling from the screaming and tears and disagreement but ...

Last year before Christmas Monique and her two kids came by for some cookie baking. Before long Mds was having an allergic reaction to the cats that we have. He was sneezing almost non-stop, his breathing was not clear, he was getting hives and his eyes were very runny. I gave him a mega c drink (3-4 grams of C), and things calmed down enough for him to stay for a while longer. It didn't take long before his reactions became more severe and again a c drink calmed things down but they didn't stay long after that. His hives popped out quite a bit once they were home and it took a while for him to recover from being at our place for a couple of hours. Other times in contact with cats the c didn't work that well. It was at the point that we limited the kids seeing each other as even being in the vicinity of us (the two boys sitting on the couch together at their place) was enough for him to react to the cats on our clothes. The summer before I had felt so bad for him ...

We have a 'pet grouse'. This bird has been hanging around for a while and is getting more and more friendly with us. Kind of neat to have a wild bird hanging around and coming up close. He likes corn and has no problem eating it out of hand. I was taking pictures of him the other day and I was having a hard time being far enough away from him. I would step away and he would step forward. And what a chatterbox Mr Grouse is. He always has a lot to say – even while eating. There are problems with him as well. He likes to fly at moving objects. If I am running down the laneway he will run after me and then fly at me often flapping at my head. Same as when I am biking (once he even stayed on for a ride for a bit). When I am walking he will walk with me (well more like run with me). So I have a cat that will go for walks and a bird that will go for walks as well – who needs a dog? Mr Grouse also likes our berries and our apple tree. At this time of year there is nothing f...

I mentioned a bit about Linsy and gymnastics. Well I figured that even though she said she wasn't going to participate that once she got there she would just jump right in. Think again Shera. No way did she have any plans to join the class. I went in with her and she watched a bit but wanted to have nothing to do with them – well almost nothing. She said she'd do the beam. Sure enough when they were on the beam we went in the gym, she did a couple of walks on the beam and then walked right out again. I am very disappointed that it isn't working out for her. She has enjoyed gymnastics so much. It was also nice that it is something that she and Paco were doing together. They often had fun recreating gym classes at home. I guess home is the only place she will be doing it anymore. At first I was upset with Linsy. I didn't understand why she was being so adamant about not being in the class. That has faded and now I am just upset that she is missing out on t...

A while ago Linsy came up to me and asked me to look at her ear. OK looks fine. What's up? Well it turns out that inside there is a little bead – an almost translucent little bead. Yikes! Ya don't put things in your ears. I thought she understood that. Well further inspection did allow us to see the bead but that is about it. No going in there after it. So a trip to the walk-in clinic in Georgetown, more than an hour wait and seconds later the bead is out. Whew! She was quite brave throughout the procedure and I am glad it was Linsy rather than Paco – he never would have been able to tolerate such a thing. He was deathly afraid of small offices, doctors and any kind of invasive touch at her age. Well we sure discussed about what goes in our orifices! Last week Paco and Linsy came running inside and Paco took a tissue and started wiping at her nose. Well it turns out she had stuck a pea up there! I don't suppose I was the most balanced with this. I was feeling ...

Well, talk about busy. I seem to do this to myself. Some of this I think is my desire not to miss anything. Wanting to be a part of things (and yet I seem to do quite well on just staying on the outside). I see programs or classes and think the kids might be interested and sign us up for all sorts of things. Right now I put them in swimming lessons on Mondays. Paco is the oldest in his group (not uncommon for him) as he is pretty far away from swimming. Linsy is in the same group but so far for the first class she was quite happy to completely ignore the instructor. As long as I was close by she just enjoyed being in the water and bouncing around, purposefully keeping out of the class dynamics. So we'll see how things progress for both of them. One reason I put Paco specifically in swimming is because he has carefully evaded any attempts to help him integrate more into the water and get into swimming. Feels kind of sad considering I am geared towards homeschooling and ...

I feel for Mojo – the one that is left behind. Is he depressed? Does he miss her? If he found her body would he know it was her or just think it was a body? I look at him and wonder but I really don't know what is going on for the cat. If it was her she would let us know I'm sure. She would be meowing and acting restless. Sometimes I think he is restless but I just don't know. Today Thomas made a memorial in the woods. A place where the kids can come and connect with Star if they miss her. We said our goodbyes. Paco has tears on and off. Linsy seems almost oblivious to the whole thing. I feel sad for the loss. When walking I am still on the lookout for a little black anything that might be her. I still whistle sometimes and look around in case she is following me. In the evenings Paco and I would often go for a walk together. Sometimes the cats would choose to join us. Happily chasing after us for a while and then they would fall behind a bit or start meowin...

Today we celebrate a year that we have had the cats only there is a mourning that is happening as well. It appears that now we only have one. We haven't seen Star, the female cat, since Wednesday night. The cats like to be out during the night and she didn't come in on Thursday morning. We have walked and called and whistled and looked anywhere we can think of but have not seen any sign of her. We are thinking perhaps an eagle or a hawk thought she looked mighty tasty. She was the kids' favourite cat. She really gave meaning to the word 'scaredycat'. When she wanted to go outside she would make sure she stayed as far away from you as possible. She would go out of her way to not meet up with you in the hallway. Sort of a furtive feel to many of her movements. Last night as Paco was getting himself ready for sleep he was singing a song. Sometimes he sings to comfort himself. 'Star is dead. Starly is dead. But we still know her.' There w...

So what can I say. Been pretty silent lately in the written word. Is it all locked inside of me or cried out in tears. Ya know when you want change to happen so bad that it just can't. Can't just wish for change. Parts if me feel threatened by the need to be completely different – it means am not ok the way I am. Am I not? And yet the way I am does not work for me or others. So... Balance. Something I strive for and lately feel like it is so far away and such an unreal expectation. Balance. Hunh? And of course the further away I am from that elusive goal then the further away I travel. And the more I have reason to feel bad and beat myself up. Then what? Well then more of the things in life that trigger me and more reason to have melt-downs. Seems like a repetitive cycle. Does it end? Well of course it does. Things change and the rough times go up and down in their intensity. Some days seem easier than others. And others I just wish I could dig my head in the...

I've been thinking about how Thomas and I met and how we came to be together. I had heard about him years before I first met him. My boss at the time was talking about organizing a sweat lodge and wondered who was interested. The person leading the sweat lodge was Thomas. As it turned out there was insufficient interest ( I was interested) so we didn't do the sweat but my interest was piqued. Years later I was at a health expo and there was Thomas wandering around as well. I went up to him and introduced myself. Ya know, my name and the fact that I heard he did sweat lodges and was disappointed it didn't work out the many years before. That was that. A short while later I was attending a workshop when who should walk in but Thomas. He was unable to attend the full workshop but came for just the first day. We talked a bit again and he offered me a drive home. I accepted but got him to drop me off on his way and I walked the rest of the way to my place. He called me...

Talking with someone today about an illegal product I was again reminded of how we are in a way like Robin Hood and his followers. While he was going against the 'rules of the day' he was a religious man doing what he felt was right. Those in power were ruling over most of the people of the time in an unjust way. Those in power were in control and were leaving little for the common folk to nourish themselves and live with. Unfortunately times are similar to that now. There are those in control – the government, the pharmaceuticals and other super corporations that yield power through the almighty dollar (or Euro or other currency). Those of us that are common folk that may or may not have money are losing more power over our personal choices as the days go by. It is not news that raw milk is illegal is most parts of North America. Supplements are constantly being threatened and food sources are becoming more contaminated by 'terminator seeds', gmo's, p...

So many raw emotions. PM and his phase of being into all things with guns and swords and medieval. This is challenging me. I don’t like Disney movies as they are too violent. We just recently read a Robin Hood book and the violence in there was pretty intense. It was not focused on but a stab here, a sword there, blood gushing here and more over there. Ick! Ugh! The medieval times were such a violent phase in our history. So much suffering and fighting. In some ways this period seems to be idealized and there is much that is often recreated in many ways (medieval shows and fairs – we just went to one). We have butterflies hatching from their chrysalis and we are likely going to let them go tomorrow but to the watch the few that have hatched hanging onto the screen looking out seems so forlorn. They don’t know how to deal with being in captivity. They can’t even really fly in the box they currently live in. They are in captivity and want out. I f...

This morning I was thinking about the second part to the tale of woe. I am so lucky. Though it wasn’t often easy I was able to ‘fly’ through the challenging times of Linsy’s sickness by counting the ways I was lucky. There were many times where I had other things I wanted to be doing – getting meals ready, getting outside for a bit, and whatever else (how selfish is that?). Of course with her not being well she just wanted mommy and daddy to be right there all the time. Often I was able to lie there with her and drift off into my ‘gratitude list’. Lying in bed beside her nursing her and thinking how lucky I am to have a comfortable bed to lie on, how lucky I am to be able to breastfeed, live in such a wonderful place, have a daughter to nurse in the first place, and on and on. It sure does make things easier. And then there are times like this evening where that list is out the window and finding gratitude for much feels challenging. Caught in the negati...

My tale of woe Well ya’ll know my computer monitor has not been fully functioning for a while. Well now it is completely non-functioning – white screen when the computer is on and has been this way (minus an hour) for about a month now. No big deal except it means the kids can’t watch DVDs and certain videos because they just don’t work on the new monitor. Well at least I have a monitor. At least until last week that is. Now the new monitor that is attached to the laptop is shorting out as well. Last week I came to my computer in the evening and it was black. Couldn’t get it back. Tried Paco’s monitor. Didn’t work either. Great – my computer is toast if I can’t view what is on it. Luckily I was able to get it back working again after a break. Since that time it blacks out quite regularly. What this mean to me is that I need to be prepared that in the near future it is likely to black out for good. Keep backups up-to-date. The interesting bi...

Years ago I turned away from the god I had been brought up with. Too much judgment, too much living in fear, and somehow there just seemed to be too much hypocrisy. My defenses were on with the mere mention of the word ‘god’ and I was closed to hearing anything on the subject. As my path progressed I opened up to greater spirituality which included a great appreciation for all that is, for angels, for the many beings beyond our human eyes. Slowly but surely I also brought more of an appreciation for god in whatever form was right at that moment. This appreciation and comfort is really an ongoing process. I continue to grow and let go of my judgment of the character that I once considered too judgmental. My beliefs don’t follow any organized religion and they can be varied and change from moment to moment. A while back my sister hooked me onto a site that offers a sort of tutorial on opening up to the voice of god within . I view our individual voice of god as our higher self and at the...