Going nowhere

So what can I say. Been pretty silent lately in the written word. Is it all locked inside of me or cried out in tears.

Ya know when you want change to happen so bad that it just can't. Can't just wish for change. Parts if me feel threatened by the need to be completely different – it means am not ok the way I am. Am I not? And yet the way I am does not work for me or others. So...

Balance. Something I strive for and lately feel like it is so far away and such an unreal expectation. Balance. Hunh? And of course the further away I am from that elusive goal then the further away I travel. And the more I have reason to feel bad and beat myself up.

Then what? Well then more of the things in life that trigger me and more reason to have melt-downs. Seems like a repetitive cycle.

Does it end? Well of course it does. Things change and the rough times go up and down in their intensity. Some days seem easier than others. And others I just wish I could dig my head in the sand or go somewhere far away and never come back – never come back to me anyway. Though the intense feelings do end, it seems like that elusive change doesn't happen. Sure things change in minute ways, so minute that you can't see the change or even feel it. But it is there, right?

I keep thinking that by May of next year I want to be totally over this. Over what – well over all my issues that keep me stuck and vying for the impossible control. Why May? Well that seems to be the time when all hell breaks loose around here and when the hard times begin. I don't remember them lasting this long last year though.

How can anyone write so much without saying anything?


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