Lovingheart

Last year before Christmas Monique and her two kids came by for some cookie baking. Before long Mds was having an allergic reaction to the cats that we have. He was sneezing almost non-stop, his breathing was not clear, he was getting hives and his eyes were very runny. I gave him a mega c drink (3-4 grams of C), and things calmed down enough for him to stay for a while longer. It didn't take long before his reactions became more severe and again a c drink calmed things down but they didn't stay long after that. His hives popped out quite a bit once they were home and it took a while for him to recover from being at our place for a couple of hours. Other times in contact with cats the c didn't work that well. It was at the point that we limited the kids seeing each other as even being in the vicinity of us (the two boys sitting on the couch together at their place) was enough for him to react to the cats on our clothes. The summer before I had felt so bad for him ...

We have a 'pet grouse'. This bird has been hanging around for a while and is getting more and more friendly with us. Kind of neat to have a wild bird hanging around and coming up close. He likes corn and has no problem eating it out of hand. I was taking pictures of him the other day and I was having a hard time being far enough away from him. I would step away and he would step forward. And what a chatterbox Mr Grouse is. He always has a lot to say – even while eating. There are problems with him as well. He likes to fly at moving objects. If I am running down the laneway he will run after me and then fly at me often flapping at my head. Same as when I am biking (once he even stayed on for a ride for a bit). When I am walking he will walk with me (well more like run with me). So I have a cat that will go for walks and a bird that will go for walks as well – who needs a dog? Mr Grouse also likes our berries and our apple tree. At this time of year there is nothing f...

I mentioned a bit about Linsy and gymnastics. Well I figured that even though she said she wasn't going to participate that once she got there she would just jump right in. Think again Shera. No way did she have any plans to join the class. I went in with her and she watched a bit but wanted to have nothing to do with them – well almost nothing. She said she'd do the beam. Sure enough when they were on the beam we went in the gym, she did a couple of walks on the beam and then walked right out again. I am very disappointed that it isn't working out for her. She has enjoyed gymnastics so much. It was also nice that it is something that she and Paco were doing together. They often had fun recreating gym classes at home. I guess home is the only place she will be doing it anymore. At first I was upset with Linsy. I didn't understand why she was being so adamant about not being in the class. That has faded and now I am just upset that she is missing out on t...

A while ago Linsy came up to me and asked me to look at her ear. OK looks fine. What's up? Well it turns out that inside there is a little bead – an almost translucent little bead. Yikes! Ya don't put things in your ears. I thought she understood that. Well further inspection did allow us to see the bead but that is about it. No going in there after it. So a trip to the walk-in clinic in Georgetown, more than an hour wait and seconds later the bead is out. Whew! She was quite brave throughout the procedure and I am glad it was Linsy rather than Paco – he never would have been able to tolerate such a thing. He was deathly afraid of small offices, doctors and any kind of invasive touch at her age. Well we sure discussed about what goes in our orifices! Last week Paco and Linsy came running inside and Paco took a tissue and started wiping at her nose. Well it turns out she had stuck a pea up there! I don't suppose I was the most balanced with this. I was feeling ...

Well, talk about busy. I seem to do this to myself. Some of this I think is my desire not to miss anything. Wanting to be a part of things (and yet I seem to do quite well on just staying on the outside). I see programs or classes and think the kids might be interested and sign us up for all sorts of things. Right now I put them in swimming lessons on Mondays. Paco is the oldest in his group (not uncommon for him) as he is pretty far away from swimming. Linsy is in the same group but so far for the first class she was quite happy to completely ignore the instructor. As long as I was close by she just enjoyed being in the water and bouncing around, purposefully keeping out of the class dynamics. So we'll see how things progress for both of them. One reason I put Paco specifically in swimming is because he has carefully evaded any attempts to help him integrate more into the water and get into swimming. Feels kind of sad considering I am geared towards homeschooling and ...

I feel for Mojo – the one that is left behind. Is he depressed? Does he miss her? If he found her body would he know it was her or just think it was a body? I look at him and wonder but I really don't know what is going on for the cat. If it was her she would let us know I'm sure. She would be meowing and acting restless. Sometimes I think he is restless but I just don't know. Today Thomas made a memorial in the woods. A place where the kids can come and connect with Star if they miss her. We said our goodbyes. Paco has tears on and off. Linsy seems almost oblivious to the whole thing. I feel sad for the loss. When walking I am still on the lookout for a little black anything that might be her. I still whistle sometimes and look around in case she is following me. In the evenings Paco and I would often go for a walk together. Sometimes the cats would choose to join us. Happily chasing after us for a while and then they would fall behind a bit or start meowin...

Today we celebrate a year that we have had the cats only there is a mourning that is happening as well. It appears that now we only have one. We haven't seen Star, the female cat, since Wednesday night. The cats like to be out during the night and she didn't come in on Thursday morning. We have walked and called and whistled and looked anywhere we can think of but have not seen any sign of her. We are thinking perhaps an eagle or a hawk thought she looked mighty tasty. She was the kids' favourite cat. She really gave meaning to the word 'scaredycat'. When she wanted to go outside she would make sure she stayed as far away from you as possible. She would go out of her way to not meet up with you in the hallway. Sort of a furtive feel to many of her movements. Last night as Paco was getting himself ready for sleep he was singing a song. Sometimes he sings to comfort himself. 'Star is dead. Starly is dead. But we still know her.' There w...

So what can I say. Been pretty silent lately in the written word. Is it all locked inside of me or cried out in tears. Ya know when you want change to happen so bad that it just can't. Can't just wish for change. Parts if me feel threatened by the need to be completely different – it means am not ok the way I am. Am I not? And yet the way I am does not work for me or others. So... Balance. Something I strive for and lately feel like it is so far away and such an unreal expectation. Balance. Hunh? And of course the further away I am from that elusive goal then the further away I travel. And the more I have reason to feel bad and beat myself up. Then what? Well then more of the things in life that trigger me and more reason to have melt-downs. Seems like a repetitive cycle. Does it end? Well of course it does. Things change and the rough times go up and down in their intensity. Some days seem easier than others. And others I just wish I could dig my head in the...

I've been thinking about how Thomas and I met and how we came to be together. I had heard about him years before I first met him. My boss at the time was talking about organizing a sweat lodge and wondered who was interested. The person leading the sweat lodge was Thomas. As it turned out there was insufficient interest ( I was interested) so we didn't do the sweat but my interest was piqued. Years later I was at a health expo and there was Thomas wandering around as well. I went up to him and introduced myself. Ya know, my name and the fact that I heard he did sweat lodges and was disappointed it didn't work out the many years before. That was that. A short while later I was attending a workshop when who should walk in but Thomas. He was unable to attend the full workshop but came for just the first day. We talked a bit again and he offered me a drive home. I accepted but got him to drop me off on his way and I walked the rest of the way to my place. He called me...

Talking with someone today about an illegal product I was again reminded of how we are in a way like Robin Hood and his followers. While he was going against the 'rules of the day' he was a religious man doing what he felt was right. Those in power were ruling over most of the people of the time in an unjust way. Those in power were in control and were leaving little for the common folk to nourish themselves and live with. Unfortunately times are similar to that now. There are those in control – the government, the pharmaceuticals and other super corporations that yield power through the almighty dollar (or Euro or other currency). Those of us that are common folk that may or may not have money are losing more power over our personal choices as the days go by. It is not news that raw milk is illegal is most parts of North America. Supplements are constantly being threatened and food sources are becoming more contaminated by 'terminator seeds', gmo's, p...

So many raw emotions. PM and his phase of being into all things with guns and swords and medieval. This is challenging me. I don’t like Disney movies as they are too violent. We just recently read a Robin Hood book and the violence in there was pretty intense. It was not focused on but a stab here, a sword there, blood gushing here and more over there. Ick! Ugh! The medieval times were such a violent phase in our history. So much suffering and fighting. In some ways this period seems to be idealized and there is much that is often recreated in many ways (medieval shows and fairs – we just went to one). We have butterflies hatching from their chrysalis and we are likely going to let them go tomorrow but to the watch the few that have hatched hanging onto the screen looking out seems so forlorn. They don’t know how to deal with being in captivity. They can’t even really fly in the box they currently live in. They are in captivity and want out. I f...

This morning I was thinking about the second part to the tale of woe. I am so lucky. Though it wasn’t often easy I was able to ‘fly’ through the challenging times of Linsy’s sickness by counting the ways I was lucky. There were many times where I had other things I wanted to be doing – getting meals ready, getting outside for a bit, and whatever else (how selfish is that?). Of course with her not being well she just wanted mommy and daddy to be right there all the time. Often I was able to lie there with her and drift off into my ‘gratitude list’. Lying in bed beside her nursing her and thinking how lucky I am to have a comfortable bed to lie on, how lucky I am to be able to breastfeed, live in such a wonderful place, have a daughter to nurse in the first place, and on and on. It sure does make things easier. And then there are times like this evening where that list is out the window and finding gratitude for much feels challenging. Caught in the negati...

My tale of woe Well ya’ll know my computer monitor has not been fully functioning for a while. Well now it is completely non-functioning – white screen when the computer is on and has been this way (minus an hour) for about a month now. No big deal except it means the kids can’t watch DVDs and certain videos because they just don’t work on the new monitor. Well at least I have a monitor. At least until last week that is. Now the new monitor that is attached to the laptop is shorting out as well. Last week I came to my computer in the evening and it was black. Couldn’t get it back. Tried Paco’s monitor. Didn’t work either. Great – my computer is toast if I can’t view what is on it. Luckily I was able to get it back working again after a break. Since that time it blacks out quite regularly. What this mean to me is that I need to be prepared that in the near future it is likely to black out for good. Keep backups up-to-date. The interesting bi...

Years ago I turned away from the god I had been brought up with. Too much judgment, too much living in fear, and somehow there just seemed to be too much hypocrisy. My defenses were on with the mere mention of the word ‘god’ and I was closed to hearing anything on the subject. As my path progressed I opened up to greater spirituality which included a great appreciation for all that is, for angels, for the many beings beyond our human eyes. Slowly but surely I also brought more of an appreciation for god in whatever form was right at that moment. This appreciation and comfort is really an ongoing process. I continue to grow and let go of my judgment of the character that I once considered too judgmental. My beliefs don’t follow any organized religion and they can be varied and change from moment to moment. A while back my sister hooked me onto a site that offers a sort of tutorial on opening up to the voice of god within . I view our individual voice of god as our higher self and at the...

LB is more aware of letters and is interested in which words start with which letters. This is mostly started by PM as he has just gone through this where most names become ‘What is the first letter of …?’ This morning we were in the kitchen. PM was lying on the floor (not feeling well at all, poor guy) and LB started in on the ‘What is the first letter of …?’ Actually she can tell me the first letter of Paco quite easily and of Linsy and of Shera. We went through all the letters of Paco and Linsy and mom. Occasionally I will ask them which one it is. PM knows his letters and sounds more and more. LB on the other hand, well let’s just say most of it is guess work. ‘What’s the first letter of peach?’ ‘A!’ ‘pppP’ ‘What’s the first letter of plum?’ ‘A!’ ‘pppP’ ‘What’s the first letter of pear?’ ‘A!’ ‘pppP’ ‘What’s the first letter of pineapple?’ ‘A!’ ‘pppP’ ‘What’s the first letter of mango?’ ‘A!’ ‘mmmM’ ‘What’s the first letter of apple?’ ‘T!’ ‘A!’ ‘Wha...

Change is afoot. Struggle and resistance to that change is also present. That creates more struggle. It is stressful. The constant back and forth in the mind. The free-flowing ease of living with what is, and then, the questioning, the counting, the naming and the blah blah blah of the inner voice and the pain as a result of the lack of peace. So many healing modalities and there is much value in all of them I am sure. Perhaps it is just the places I frequent but seems to be more and more. People are realizing that many of us are searching. Searching for healing, searching for peace of mind, searching for success, searching for a free life with love and happiness. All of these modalities will offer you a path in that direction. Heck the internet really is a great tool for that. Spend hundreds of dollars here and there and your life will be perfect. Well not really because after all of this you are still human and still living in an imperfect world. Wh...

I am living my life in a way of getting it done. Working on healing all that needs to be healed so I don’t have to come and do it over again. Working on getting it all done. Passing the time with the end in sight. Working for the end but the end I am working towards is death. When I have a stretch of time in front of me (such as a time of vision quest or being ‘out there’ with nothing to do) then I am counting the time until it is over. Passing the time. And each minute passes ultra-slow and each day seems an eternity. Living the day until it is time to sleep. Living life until it is time to die. Where is the enjoyment in that? Where is my enjoyment in life? Where am I? Sitting motionless sitting calm on the outside looking for change. Looking and waiting for signs. Signs of what? Signs of forward movement – signs that I am that much closer to my goal. And what goal is that? The goal of death perhaps? How about that? Thinking of death as a goal t...

When I look at my life I see so many areas for which I am grateful. If I think about manifesting and those things that are important to me I can just look at people I know and talk with that have wonderful qualities and great gifts to offer and I have inspirations for my journey. At this point one thing that is important to me that I do struggle with is relationships. With all that I meet and know but most importantly with my children. Who my children become and how they feel about themselves and others are important factors to me. I can look at ‘grown kids’ and their parents and see positive relationships and healthy, functional, and secure individuals. I can do my best to create a positive relationship with my family of origin to set a positive example. I have many times I feel down but I have so much to be grateful for. My life has much abundance and yet there are times when I get caught up in the ‘small stuff’ and ya know I think that just comes with the territory of being hu...

Whew! Paco’s birthday is over and I now have a 6-year old and a 3-year old. The excitement mounting to Paco’s birthday is akin to that of Christmas. The planning and then the planning and the planning and the discussing and the organizing and the planning and the totality of how it consumes him. Bad enough that I have to get some things organized and planned but Paco gets right into it. Really though he was a big help. Leading up to the party he stuffed the piñata with the goody bag treats and took care of organizing that. He thought it was great that I had a list of things to get done and was very excited anytime anything could be marked off. I have noticed with him that when he is into something then it really becomes the be-all and the end-all. When he was into construction that was where most of his attention was caught up. I remember driving with a friend of his in the car and how excited Paco would get when he saw a construction sign, and it was summer so...

I had a dream where I was at my first day of work at a new job. Seemed to be a government type job. The people were very pleasant and the atmosphere seemed to be one of cooperation and appreciation. The work felt somewhat familiar to me and that which I didn’t know felt right as well. I was told that this was the best day in the office in a couple of years because two (or three) people (manager types) were out of the office. So that was not a great thing but the rest was good. I was wondering during the dream if Thomas was able to handle staying the whole day with the kids and were they all right. Turns out it was a full-time job. After work I was grateful that I was close to Olivia’s house and could just run there which makes me wonder because if Thomas were with the kids they would not be at Olivia’s house. Anyway, as I was thinking about this dream today, I realized that there is no one I would trust more to be with the kids than Thomas. And to me that i...