Living for dying

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I am living my life in a way of getting it done. Working on healing all that needs to be healed so I don’t have to come and do it over again. Working on getting it all done. Passing the time with the end in sight. Working for the end but the end I am working towards is death.

When I have a stretch of time in front of me (such as a time of vision quest or being ‘out there’ with nothing to do) then I am counting the time until it is over. Passing the time. And each minute passes ultra-slow and each day seems an eternity. Living the day until it is time to sleep. Living life until it is time to die. Where is the enjoyment in that?

Where is my enjoyment in life? Where am I? Sitting motionless sitting calm on the outside looking for change. Looking and waiting for signs. Signs of what? Signs of forward movement – signs that I am that much closer to my goal. And what goal is that? The goal of death perhaps? How about that? Thinking of death as a goal to which I am working towards. What are your goals in life? Dying. I am guessing I am not the only one. Sure there are mini-goals between here and there and things that are accomplished. These days though those things that are being accomplished are so uninspired. By the clock. Basic fulfilling of needs. That and running from mealtime to mealtime. Living the day to get it all done. Until I get time to myself to drown myself in the world of the computer and the lives of others.

Where is my life? What am I doing to bring myself joy? What am I doing to bring joy to those around me? How am I making choices that support life for me and for others?

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