Lovingheart

The other day the kids and I decided to take advantage of the free skating at the community rink. We just recently found the kids some skates at my sister’s place so we were all set. I was under the impression the skating was in the morning but was wrong and we had to wait until after lunch. Another one of those long waits with PM regularly asking WHEN… I was wondering if this would be one of those experiences where he is so anxious to do it and then when the time comes it doesn’t work for him. We made it to the rink and got our skates on among the crowds of others there to enjoy some skating as well. The kids were pretty steady on their skates and we all walked towards the ice. LB stepped onto the ice, her feet went out from underneath her, she started to cry, and decided that was enough for her. She would wait on land while PM and I did a few rounds. Ya don’t really realize how hard it is to stand on skates when you finally have it down – kind of like riding a...

Last week Mojo had a trip to the vet to get fixed. Though still not quite 5 months he is growing quickly and we do not want him to get into trouble with his sister. Luckily for the boys it is a day in and out operation. When we picked him up in the evening he looked so drugged the poor guy. By the time we got him home he was much more alive and then was going and going for hours afterwards. Star meanwhile was crashed by the time Mojo came home. She had spent the day awake and stressed and harassing Thomas. I guess she wanted Thomas to go get Mojo for her and the kids and I were off elsewhere. It took her longer to recuperate from Mojo’s operation than it did him. She does tend to be the more sensitive and fearful one. So now all is back to normal and Mojo’s nails are growing back (poor guy – they clipped his nails as well so he can’t climb trees and has lost much of his ‘grip’). In another month or so Star will have her turn. And again I have no doubt it will ...

When I was a kid Halloween day seemed to be a looong day. I wondered if darkness would ever come so we could go outside for trick-or-treating. Since that time I have wondered why it was so difficult. The days fly by and from lunch until dark it seems like a few minutes. OK – life as seen by an adult with many years behind her. I am reminded of this big-time as the days have seemed to be crawling by at a snail’s pace for PM as he anticipates Christmas. Yesterday as he was bouncing off the walls I figured it was going to be a loooonnnngggg 24 hours. And yes it was. Sometimes he was ok but a lot of the time it was non-stop talking about the gifts, talking about what he was going to do, planning how things were going to be and of course asking how much longer till dark and till dinner. Somehow it seems anticlimactic. That excitement that has been growing for well over a month and the big dinner and the presents and mess and then it is over – well sort of, as there are...

The other morning as we were waking up, PM said to me “Mom…” (as kids have a tendency to do many times a day – often without anything to say in response) and I respond with a “Yes”. He says “I am so…, so…, so…, so…,” (by this time I am wondering what is coming if anything) “so…, sooo excited about Christmas!”. The days get closer to that magical date. He is preparing and we have had a bit of a family Christmas in Toronto. The kids enjoyed their time and got some nice gifts as well but it isn’t/wasn’t about the gifts. But at the same time it is the gifts and the anticipation that is a big part of it. Many years ago I stopped doing much about Christmas because I didn’t like how it was about the presents. Many times the kids didn’t even really care what it was they were receiving – they just wanted more. I appreciated and valued the time spent with others. Now I see it with my kids – that desire for gifts – any gifts. And I am not as closed and judgmental towa...

The cats seem to be fitting in quite well in the household. And PM does have a way with them as well. Though he can be rough and overbearing with the cats, they do like to be near him and play with him. I have noticed it is best when the kids are playing their own thing and not intent on doing something to the cats. Then it is likely the cats will play along side them. Same as when we are outside. Mojo is often right there and running with the kids. If PM has a project he is working on and LB is there watching or assisting then it is likely Mojo is nearby. Star may or may not be. I was surprised the other day when it was pouring with rain and the kids were outside playing and when they came in the soaking wet cats came in with them as well – I didn’t think cats hang out in the rain! Star likes to run with me or to jump out at me. Many a time I will run along and she will come charging across the grass and jump towards me. One time she got me in an ambush. ...

We bought these a little while back – very expensive but the kids liked them and it seemed simple enough to make on our own. The kids don’t like this version as much as the store bought one but I noticed they also had lime juice and that may make just enough of a difference. I do like this version – a different and neat taste. I soaked ½ cup of cashews (in water in the fridge as that slows down the soaking I believe – they can become bitter if they soak too long) and ½ cup of almonds overnight. I blended the nuts up with some onions, red pepper and tomato until fairly smooth. PM cut up nori pieces into squares and we put a spoonful onto each square and then dried this in the dehydrator. Kind of crunchy, interesting taste and texture and it is something that will last in a sealed container.

Construction is no longer the be all and end all in PM’s life. Oh sure, he still likes to dig holes all over the place, lay pipes, and still occasionally plays with his trucks for construction purposes. But now his fascination is about guns, guards, wars, armies, military, well you get it. The construction phase has been an easy one to deal with. I never looked forward to the dinosaur phase – I really don’t get the fascination so many kids have with those huge prehistoric creatures with names that are bigger than their pictures. I learned to appreciate the big moving machines and the folks that work in those trades. I could feel good about imagining PM as a trade worker. Of course I didn’t really expect it to last into his adulthood though that’s not to say it isn’t a nice thought. Now the hunting and gun and fighting phase is not so easy. I can’t fathom that there is any real understanding of the true destruction that comes from these things. The other day he...

The house I grew up in didn’t have one but my friend’s house did. This is a circle that you can run around – the usual would be dining room to kitchen to living room. Around and around you could go. The house we live in now has one. It’s great in many ways. PM can zoom around with something for the cats to follow and play with (today was a dried out corn attached to a ribbon). The indoor tricycle/truck has a circuit it can do (as long as there isn’t too much stuff strewn in the way). The kids can play chase together and on occasion I will join in the act. Sometimes it is just running around in circles just for the sake of it. We spent many a time running around when LB was younger and in a sling. We weren’t going out quite as much and PM needed exercise (heck so did I) so we would play chase. Amusement for all of us, at least once LB was more aware of the game – before that she was just content to be attached and it didn’t matter so much what we were doing. ...

PM enjoys the holidays, the planning for them, the decorating and the time itself. He enjoys celebrating those that are having birthdays. For Halloween he had various decorations that he put up for that one day only. He was dressed up as a pumpkin and created a festive atmosphere for the day. Quite the fanfare really. Now it’s only the beginning of November but he is already quite excited about Christmas. Part of this is my fault as we started on our cards already (last year at the rate of one a day to make it took a while). But it was even before that when he asked for a particular Xmas book. Our house already has some decorations up. Santa Claus puppets are talking, Santa Claus mittens are being worn and PM is asking for a Santa Claus hat. Seeing as he doesn’t really ask for much he will get this hat. He is all set to do some Christmas baking. Neither Thomas nor I are big celebrators and generally have things pretty low-key but with the kids it is becom...

I often figured it was just a myth that cats get caught in trees. Heck if they know how to climb up a tree they should be able to climb down right? Lately I wondered if maybe it is actually true. We have started letting the kittens outside and ever so often they would run up a tree. They would only go so far and then stop. From this place they would look around as if trying to figure out where to go next. Usually they aren’t so high up that they can’t just turn around and jump. Seeing this I understood how a cat could get caught in a tree. They can run and climb up no problem but going backwards isn’t so easy. I watched Star (female cat) today and she seemed to get the hang of climbing down backwards. Then Mojo went running up the tree much faster than previous and went quite a bit higher as well. Then he stopped and looked around. He looked around some more as if trying to figure out how to go down. He found a branch to walk out onto. He walked b...

Lately I have been surprised to hear myself using the exclamation ‘Crikey!’. This is a saying that I associate somewhat with my father. A comment that he used on occasion. I wondered if there was a connection here and if perhaps he was close by in spirit. Maybe it’s because it was his birthday a while ago though the use of the word started a while before that. Today I was introduced to the life and death of Steve Irwin. Saw a few videos that were tributes to his life and the work he did. One of his aims was to bring love for wild animals to those of us that don’t have direct contact with them. One of the things that jumped out at me was the word ‘Crikey!’. I understand he worked for and with an Australian Zoo. I seem to remember the word Crikey as being from that part of the world. These connections make me wonder. Why did my dad use this comment? Was it a connection to the greater consciousness that had me unknowingly using this expression at this time? ...

Once again I am remembering how I felt about PM when he was born. More like how I felt about how he would be. When I was pregnant it was more important than ever to ‘heal’ and ‘get over my issues’ so that he didn’t adopt them. I can’t say I was very successful. When he was born I said that he wouldn’t be the kind of person to be inflicted with my social inadequacies and lack of self-esteem. What was I thinking? Poor kid – he’s my son. He is not and likely never will be part of the ‘in’ crowd. He is not a social butterfly. He is better in one on one situations than larger groups. He doesn’t really have a lot of friends and has even managed to lose a few. There have been many times where his social life brings me to tears. This of course is because it is my own painful life that I see being replayed. And lately this has been ‘in my face’ in many ways. Another mom and her kids that we have been hanging around with now has another mom that she hangs aroun...

Sitting down to lunch and the kids had just put a cd on. Another library cd that we haven’t listened to yet and the first song was ‘Puff, the Magic Dragon’. ‘This used to be my favourite song!’ I exclaim. As soon as the words are out of my mouth I wonder why I said that. This song always made me cry. It is a sad song. Part way through the song I have tears in my eyes and by the end I am bawling. Full out cry. Even as I think of it now the tears well up in my eyes. Such a festive song in some ways but the end leaves the poor dragon alone as the boy has grown up and no longer has time for him. He lets out a mighty roar and then goes to hide in a cave. How sad is that? Triggers me big time, that’s for sure. I am aware of the feelings of desertion that come in. A big part for me is the sadness for the one that is left behind. When my dad died a lot of my sadness and emotion were for my mom as she had lost her life partner. They had experienced so much of...

Ever noticed how much more expensive lentils are compared to other beans? I have wondered why. Perhaps it is because there is a higher demand as I know they are a popular legume. Well this year we grew lentils in the garden. They started off beautifully. Lots of little green plants with a similar look to that of thyme. Lots of little leaves. They get taller and taller (though they do not keep growing higher and higher like many other beans) to about a foot tall. The flowers appear and then each flower turns into one lentil! Not like beans where each ‘pole’ has many beans. One lentil! One plant yields maybe 15-20 seeds (maybe!) and each one has to be dug out of its shell separately unless you are lucky and get one that has two lentils instead of one. By the time we got to the lentils many of them had already started to sprout. Now I sure don’t mind sprouted lentils but that’s not what we had in mind – perhaps some lentils to save and eat later would be n...

I have written before about PM and his bicycle. He is quite comfortable on two wheels and zooms all over taking tight corners too. Rough terrain is no problem and he’ll go anywhere he can with great speed. It was almost comical to me that his first painful fall happened today but it was on LB’s tricycle! Not sure what he did (Thomas was there) but he scraped his chest and was upset and crying. I suppose this kind of thing isn’t surprising as often it seems that if you are overconfident with something and take chances it is then that things can go wrong. Oh well I’m guessing he’ll stick with this bike for now.

For whatever reason suicide has come to my mind lately. Not me attempting suicide but what it means to those left behind, why it is done and really how tempting it is to consider. I have been experiencing hard times lately. Feeling down in the dumps – up against myself and losing the battle and taking it out on those around me – especially Thomas and the kids. And of course the more I focus on how hard it is, how bad I feel, how much I dislike myself then the worse it gets. It does become like a bad joke – how many more things can go wrong? At least today when something crashed to the floor I laughed at it. I haven’t been doing much laughing lately (though the cats and kids do offer some laughs). Then I think of friends that have had direct experience with suicide in their life. I think of those that have committed suicide, and part of their purpose (though I’m guessing this is not a big factor) is to make others aware of how they are suffering. Make them pay...

There is nothing new about gaining a new appreciation for life by being with kids. PM is so excited by the changing seasons and all that can be done with the different weather conditions. A good lesson for me as I have a hard time with fall. Sure the colours are pretty but I think that winter is coming and the weather is so much cooler and the green is all going away and the gardens are being prepared for the sleep of winter and greens are much harder to come by. I was talking about this to PM and he reminds me that winter isn’t here yet. There is still green around. The garden hasn’t been completely ‘closed up’ yet. I smile and chuckle – yes he is right but I still prefer the heat of the summer. Yesterday evening we had a flurry of snow. Coming down pretty hard for a while and the kids were all excited, running from one window to another to check it out in the fading light of the day. PM woke up in the middle of the night, wondering if it was close to morning so...

Our kittens are fitting in well into this household. I think we all appreciate them and enjoy much about their presence (well still not sure about Thomas as Mojo recently crashed his computer and it took Thomas many hours to sort out the problem). As I write this Mojo is intrigued by the computer and he would be more than happy to jump up on here and swat at the screen or lie down on the keyboard. I have walked away from the computer before and come back to find things have been typed that I sure didn’t do. When the kids were smaller I could just make sure I kept the chairs pushed in and they wouldn’t get up. Kittens, of course, can just jump up or they find other things close by to use as steps up to the table. Thomas made a scratching post for the kittens and it is a pretty special and solid piece of artwork. It took him (with some help/hindrance from the kids) many hours to put this together. I am always impressed how he creates these masterpieces. The time, ...

Sunday was not a great day for LB. I was carrying her and managed to bang her head into the wall. The bang sounded quite loud and she cried – not an extreme pain cry but more the cry of surprise, of tired, of hurt. Didn’t take long for her to get over it and go on playing with PM (yes they do play well together on occasion). The kids were doing their usual getting ready for bed routine (bouncing on the bed, jumping all over, general going crazy, and revving up the system type behaviour) and then I heard a loud, pain cry from LB and PM came running to me (I was on the toilet) saying that they bonked heads. She was screaming and crying and very upset and hurting. Though I couldn’t see any signs of where she hurt herself I wondered if it was her nose as at one point she touched it with her hand. Got the kids to sleep (she fell asleep quickly) but then a few hours later she was up and screaming and writhing with discomfort with a rather high fever. She wasn’t calming d...

This has been heard by LB many, many times. Never seems to make a difference. Never made a difference either when I first spoke these words to PM many days previous. And I can say that the words were not spoken with the calm voice that LB continues to repeat over and over again (well she speaks them when she is not overtired or hungry or overwhelmed or unhappy or feeling harassed which has not been terribly often the past few days. Her common response is an ear-splitting shriek.) When I used those words I have no doubt I was yelling out of pure frustration. Ohhhh so frustrated. ‘Your name is…’ over and over and over and over and over (well you get the idea) again. ‘Your name is Whack!’ ‘Your name is Telephone!’ ‘Your name is Gobbledygook!’ ‘Your name is Bang!’ And many other ‘names’. This is all to LB and she is frustrated by it and often shrieks. I am over the top hearing it as well. I am over the top hearing her shrieks. Now to be fair to PM (this is no...