Social woes

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Once again I am remembering how I felt about PM when he was born. More like how I felt about how he would be. When I was pregnant it was more important than ever to ‘heal’ and ‘get over my issues’ so that he didn’t adopt them. I can’t say I was very successful.

When he was born I said that he wouldn’t be the kind of person to be inflicted with my social inadequacies and lack of self-esteem. What was I thinking? Poor kid – he’s my son. He is not and likely never will be part of the ‘in’ crowd. He is not a social butterfly. He is better in one on one situations than larger groups. He doesn’t really have a lot of friends and has even managed to lose a few.

There have been many times where his social life brings me to tears. This of course is because it is my own painful life that I see being replayed. And lately this has been ‘in my face’ in many ways.

Another mom and her kids that we have been hanging around with now has another mom that she hangs around with very regularly (much more so than we ever did). They get together many times a week and talk much more. We only ever got together once a month or so. The times we see them now the other family is likely there. They are all great people but that leaves PM and I being the third wheel in a situation.

I go over and there is so much between them in what has already happened that day and all they do. The kids are already playing in their groups and doing their thing. My kids cling closer to me. PM wants to join in but it is hard to find a place when they already have their games set up and their ‘structures’.

I feel sad for us. I feel sad for the times he asks for play dates and there are none to be made. I feel sad for the times I have reached out and not received anything back. I feel sad for the times when I see him behaving in ways that turn others off and which alienate him even further. I feel sad to see my kids saddled with my issues.

We get a book out of the library called ‘Best Friends’ and I have a hard time reading to the kids because I am crying. Crying as I relate to the friend that is left behind while the other goes off on adventures. Crying as I feel so alone and so lonely myself. Crying as I feel sorry for myself and the kids. Crying for the failures that are also ‘in my face’.

Then I have so much busy-ness in my life that we have little time for much on the outside anyway. The kids get along sometimes (note only sometimes – the other times are chaotic, loud and stressful – heck even when they get along it may well be chaotic, loud and stressful). They play together and have their games. We can stay in this small life indefinitely except there is the feeling of something missing and the feeling that we are missing out on much of what life has to offer. So we go out and reach out and I hope that we heal…

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