Deep sadness due to loss

Sitting down to lunch and the kids had just put a cd on. Another library cd that we haven’t listened to yet and the first song was ‘Puff, the Magic Dragon’. ‘This used to be my favourite song!’ I exclaim. As soon as the words are out of my mouth I wonder why I said that. This song always made me cry. It is a sad song. Part way through the song I have tears in my eyes and by the end I am bawling. Full out cry.

Even as I think of it now the tears well up in my eyes. Such a festive song in some ways but the end leaves the poor dragon alone as the boy has grown up and no longer has time for him. He lets out a mighty roar and then goes to hide in a cave. How sad is that? Triggers me big time, that’s for sure.

I am aware of the feelings of desertion that come in. A big part for me is the sadness for the one that is left behind.

When my dad died a lot of my sadness and emotion were for my mom as she had lost her life partner. They had experienced so much of the world together. They had come to Canada together and then he was gone.

One year there was the daddy goose hanging around and for the longest time there was no sign of the mommy goose. I would watch him and feel deep sadness imagining that she had met some sort of demise and he was left to look for her in places they used to hang out. (As it turned out she was sitting on eggs and he was hanging around waiting for them to hatch.)

We had two goldfish that were getting bigger and bigger and they were always together. One day a blue heron got one. It was days before I saw the other goldfish and then when I did s/he was swimming around almost erratically and fast. I imagined the fear that s/he too may be taken. The loss. The looking for the partner. I was sad that we were down to only one goldfish but even sadder for the one that was left behind. Well now there are none – the sunfish remains strong and perhaps next year we’ll try again with more goldfish.

So I’m not sure where this deep sadness comes from but I do know it is not uncommon for me to be triggered to tears by songs. And it is not uncommon to have emotional outbursts of one form or another.

(Oh gosh, speaking of emotion – I look down and the kittens sleeping on my lap and Mojo has his arm around Star and they look so comfortable curled up together. How sweet. Even more emotional to see the kids with arms flung over each other when they sleep or to see them in similar positions though they are not in contact. Such tenderness and connection…)


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