Lovingheart

Today I was remembering a time at the cottage with some friends. One male friend really liked me and we were good friends. I was remembering the comfort of just hanging out and how it felt to be cared for and appreciated no matter how crazy I may act. How I believe it may feel to be liked no matter what – to be liked for who you are. Then I went to the thought that how many people really know others. This person liked me but I believe a lot of what he liked came from how his past has shaped his life – how he perceived me is not necessarily who I am. Heck I don’t know myself so how is another supposed to like me for who I am. I guess this is the task put before me (and many of us here on Earth) – to discover who I am, what makes me tick and then to like myself regardless. Ya know that’s not an easy task. I see a controlling self on the outside – this is not who I am but this is a behaviour. This is not easy to like. It is not easy to live with but I believ...

I still like PM’s own way of talking. He has two regulars that make me smile pretty much every time. One is dis-iss-siding (as in deciding). The other one is ‘make suring’ (instead of making sure). I have heard that switching on the ‘ing’ on other phrases as well. Last Sunday was a trip to Toronto for the day for us. We took my sister’s dog for a walk in the park (the dog – Ruffian or Ruff for short – yes sometimes we go around yelling ‘ruff!’ – always gives us special greetings as we bring meat scraps when we come). What was neat about the park trip was that we went to this playground area (a castle type – great for kids of all ages) and PM was off and independent the whole time we were there. Often he is right by my side and won’t let me out of his sight for a second. LB just hung out on the swing while we were there – I think she could live on a swing (just today we were at a park and I swear I was pushing her constantly for close to an hour – until she was pla...

When I was pregnant with PM I thought briefly of homeschooling and thought there was no way I could do such a thing. I don’t have the personality or patience. I couldn’t imagine sitting and making my child do work or teaching them something they aren’t interested in learning. Another good reason not to have kids in school right there – I dread the thought of feeling like my kid has to complete homework and I would be expected to make sure it gets done. There are enough things in life that I feel are important and schoolwork isn’t one of them. So I had written off the idea of homeschooling but then when PM was young I was reading more about parenting and that led me to unschooling and it seemed so right. Of course! I trust my child in many ways – why not trust him to learn what he needs and wants to learn? Why not trust that it is natural to want to be a part of the life in which we belong – and learning is a constant in life. As with other ‘big’ decisions I have...

The value of time??? I was noticing today how skewed an impression of time I must be giving the kids. It was a busy day and our last stop was to visit friends we hadn’t seen in a while. I kept saying it would be a short visit. We wouldn’t be able to stay long. You know that kind of routine. By the time we said our hellos, sat outside a bit, hung out inside a bit, took a washroom break and said our goodbyes, our short 15 minute visit was an hour long. After our outside time when we went inside I said to the kids it would be about 5 minutes. I had a view of the clock and as the mom and I chat while the kids played I watched the minutes tick on and saw a good 20 minutes pass by. So what am I teaching the kids about the perception of time? I have noticed this kind of scene before where I say 5 minutes and it ends up being at least 20. I am ready to leave, the kids aren’t and then by the time they are I am not anymore (and I know Thomas would point out they are j...

We recently joined in with a group and bought some butterfly larvae. A neat idea. Something for everyone in there. Appropriate for different ages and levels. Unfortunately they were a bit older when we got them so they were getting ready for the chrysalis stage but we did get a bit of time watching the ‘caterpillars’. The first evening while I was nursing LB to sleep I was wondering what PM was doing in the kitchen. He was being so quiet but ever so often I’d hear these louder, moving around, different noises. I was a little worried about the big mess that may be there when I was done. When I finally go to PM he was sitting rolling around on my exercise ball, holding onto the kitchen counter and watching the caterpillars as they moved this way and that in their confined spaces. He was thrilled to watch them and was looking forward to watching more in the morning. They reached the chrysalis stage and then we made the box for the butterfly home and the kids enjo...

Wondering why there is so much struggle around necessary changes. The struggle, the moods, the angst and then the change that brings relief. Why the struggle? Why not just an easy shift to a new easier way of being? Viewing a perception of myself from another angle that brings pain. I don’t want to be perceived as living with foolish pride. This can’t be me and yet I see the truth in it. Why do I make things so hard for myself? Why do I create all this stress? I can see it. I can feel the pain AND I can know I am not alone. I am not the only one that creates unnecessary struggle in her life. I am not the only one with limited and rigid beliefs that have me on a roller coaster ride between feeling ok about myself and feeling like a total loser. I would like to embrace change rather than resist. I would like to move along without the struggle and limited beliefs that bring extra pain. Freedom of mind and of actions. Trusting myself to do right by m...

Though we didn’t actually make it to Donkey Days we spent some time at the donkey sanctuary . Neat place. Lots of donkeys. For us there was a special reason to go – Paco had to finally meet the donkey with the same name. Cute little scruffy looking donkey. I think Linsy was really hoping there would be one with her name. The closest was a Windy – which considering how she pronounces her name and how PM used to it is close enough. Donkeys really are pleasant animals to be around. I was standing there with the kids reading out loud to them bits about donkeys and mules when along comes Pansy and just slips in beside me and hangs out while I pet her with my arm around her neck. Something very peaceful about her presence – just being there and then moving along. It just is. I’m guessing we’ll be going back there again. Friends and good weather and donkeys and sheep and goats – it works.

I came downstairs this evening. LB was asleep and PM was lying in bed doing what he does before falling asleep (I have lately been able to leave him there before he is actually asleep). Minutes later LB is crying and as I’m going upstairs I notice my first reaction is to blame PM for waking her up. Immediately I was able to shift this to just accepting that she has woken up. Perhaps he kicked her and she woke up. Perhaps he rolled into her and she woke up. Perhaps he was cuddling with her and she woke up. Perhaps she just woke up!! Who am I to go upstairs feeling blame towards PM when I know nothing of what has happened? It just isn’t fair and it happens all too often around here. She cries loud and PM gets the blame. His reaction when I got upstairs was the same ‘taunting’ smile and laugh that he has that I find infuriating. How dare he laugh when he has done something ‘wrong’? (‘Ha ha! I just bonked LB on the head!’ Meanwhile she is screaming in pain.) I didn’t bite th...

I’m guessing there are many out there that feel that Wal-Mart choosing to supply more organic products is a big step in the right direction. I’m not so sure I agree. What about the quality that we hope for with organic food. Wal-Mart doesn’t strike me as the kind of company that is concerned about quality. They care about cutting costs wherever possible. Somehow this mentality doesn’t fit in with what is required these days to offer healthy, organic, cared-for food. What about the small farmers? They can try and create enough of one product to be able to supply all the similar stores in the area or they can continue to do their best, live within their values and get their food out the best they can. It’s no secret I have a resistance to this kind of store. Heck I still have a gift card for Wal-Mart that I got as a gift for Christmas that remains unused. Realistically we are not in a position to be picky about where our products come from but I am. I care about the farmers. I ...

I believe it was just before PM was born or possibly just after and I was crossing the road. There were the melted remains of an ice cream cone on the road. I felt my system cringe at the thought of what the child experienced when s/he dropped the cone. I really felt then the importance of healing my issues around food so that I wouldn’t treat my children with the disrespect or harshness that would come so naturally to me in such a situation. I think of this now over 5 years later and feel pain to see that I may have come a long way (I’d like to believe that, though often it feels like I am just as stuck and dysfunctional as I was then) there have been many experiences where I have treated my kids in a way that makes me cringe and shiver. A recent example (and definitely not the worst of things I have done) happened this evening. Thomas has taken on bath time with the kids. He was just doing something quick in the living room and I heard LB crying in the tub. As he didn’t seem to...

Well, thanks to Thomas the blinds are up! Yes he attached the brackets, cut the posts and cut the material as well. Then of course he attached the material to the posts. What did I do? Said thanks! OK I also applied fray stop and ironed the material. Well the room is much darker now even when it’s light out. I was deciding between pink and blue material and chose blue because it would block out more light. Problem is the pink would look so much nicer with all the gray that is in the bedroom. Oh well – ya make choices and sometimes there’s a sacrifice involved (or is that most or all of the time?)

I tend to be someone that can get my ‘mords wixed’. This is something I see in PM as well. Though this happened a while ago it is the perfect example. He comes running downstairs saying ‘I got my pair a self of pants!’ Well I sure understood what he was talking about. One thing he says on a regular basis that is a bit mixed is ‘make suring’ (instead of making sure). I always think it’s cute to hear. Interesting that last night I was writing about his Lego and thinking of a particular set. Lately this set hasn’t had much play time. Sure enough this morning just after breakfast he takes all the pieces and guys and trucks out. He gets out the instructions, takes apart the more self-created versions and then rebuilds them all according to the written pictures and instructions. Then he goes along to another set to make another truck (a crane) according to instructions. For this one he has everything set up to be just like it (‘No mom that’s not how it goes. See it is supposed to ...

I get a kick out of LB’s very animated discussions. I was just listening to her going on and on with very excited inflections, the laughing, the oh’s and ah’s and telling some long story. Though I couldn’t see her I could picture the physicals that go along with it. The animated face, the arms which are gesturing every which way. This morning during breakfast she all of a sudden started telling us some long story. I try very hard to understand what she is saying and catch words here and there: daddy, downstairs, computer, kitchen… I gather it was a playback of typical mornings in the house here. What is cute is when she starts into one of these stories on the phone. The arm gestures, the laughs, the talking and all. I’m sure the other person on the end of the phone (the last was Oma) has no idea what she’s talking about and is missing all the gestures the physicals that go along with it. I guess that’s how it goes with phone calls though. We learn that we have to speak rather t...

PM can get so enthusiastic that he will start hitting LB. For the most part she takes it pretty calmly but it can also hurt her. For instance the other day when he started pounding (slapping) her back when she didn’t have a top on. It is a sort of excitement, enthusiasm, charge of energy I think, that has PM act like this but I am trying to work with him to channel the energy differently. Today in the car I suggested (with actions and got a laugh out of the kids) that he slap his legs, that he bonk himself on the head, that he start banging on the seat, that he clap his hands loudly together. I trust that he will be able to act differently when this feeling overtakes him. Heck if nothing else I have told him to hit me rather than his sister. I am often impressed at how sensitive he can be. He wants to be close and he is aware of things to do to help his sister or me. He is a 5-year-old and thus can be loud and boisterous and aggressive but he also has the other side. I need to...

My heart doesn’t feel very loving My heart doesn’t feel very loved. My heart feels heavy, bleak, dark and alone Alone with my mind that is ruling my actions, my feelings, my life. These are not the joyful and sometimes stressed stories of life as a mom but more the stories of a mom on her way through depression (out).

Been thinking of a conversation I had with a friend a while ago where she was saying she wanted to hold onto her anger. She didn’t want to let it go because she wanted change. Her anger related to her relationship and is common where the emotions flare up, words are exchanged and then eventually things smooth over but nothing is solved or changed. I have been feeling this way except my anger is more of a depression. Lots of tears, lots of emotion and yes, lots of anger in there as well. So down (it sure is hard to be a parent when all you want to do is bury your head/ whole self in the ground) and out and wanting change. Change from myself, from my manipulating and controlling ways. Ways that have kept me trapped and stuck and tied in knots. But the depression slips away, the tears are less often and less intense. The inner turmoil is less but part of me wants to hold onto it because I want change. I don’t want to be this way. I want things to be different and thus want to hol...

Yesterday Thomas celebrated his 65th birthday – or perhaps I should say the kids celebrated for him. PM has been very into birthdays this year. Of course the year started off with his sister’s birthday on January 2nd. For the next two months he was preparing for his own. On a regular basis he would get some boxes, fill them up with toys or objects, tape up the boxes, and write names on them. Then we would be invited to a b-day party where he would prepare a meal with cake (with the birthday song) and then the opening of the gifts. Alternatively he would bring the boxes to T’s office where he and LB would open their boxes. For LB’s birthday we made party hats. PM didn’t have any for his but there were so many other things he didn’t miss them. For Thomas’ birthday they made party hats, PM wrote a birthday banner and made sure his dad was celebrated and the center of his attention. As T put it – he thinks PM enjoyed his birthday more than he did. Well I think they all liked the h...

I’ve been saying for over a year now that I need to get blinds for the bedroom. The time change means the kids are going to bed when it’s still light out. Thanks to the help of two of my sisters and mother I finally have the material ready to get some blinds set up. Of course this sits around here for weeks before I finally get around to putting up the brackets for the blinds (this is after being told repeatedly by Olivia that doing blinds yourself is quick and easy). I tell Thomas that I am going to take the drill upstairs to get the brackets in. I can see the look going across his face – can’t quite translate it but something like ‘what is she trying to do now?’. Armed with brackets, drill, screws, screwdriver, pencil, and measuring tape I head upstairs with my trusted assistants helping to carry the tools. While they enjoy jumping around on the bed and handing me bits ever so often (with PM’s help to explain the drill to me) I manage to the holes put in (twice for one as the f...

We were at a life learning/unschooling conference this weekend (more on that later perhaps). The kids and I used the washroom in the hotel just before leaving, washed our hands and then I stepped around the corner to pick up our bags to leave. I come back and there is LB standing by the sink with her arms around someone’s legs. Black pants like mine. The woman was even wearing a pink shirt as was I (though they were in no other way similar). LB sees me coming around the corner and a look comes across her face or perhaps more of an energy as she slowly looks up to the woman whose legs she is holding onto and then back to me. I feel so bad that I laugh about this as I imagine it was quite the shock for her but oh at a time when I am feeling quite overwhelmed and upset it has given me many a laugh. The woman was very good about it and noticed but didn’t want to say anything to upset LB. As we were leaving the washroom LB just kept looking at this woman – I can only imagine what was...

Today as I was preparing dinner in the kitchen, I thought of a friend, went to the phone and started dialing. Half way through the number (long distance as most of my phone calls are) I sort of paused and questioned whether I was calling who I thought I was. Yes it was the right number. That’s how it often is for phone calls I make. I think the person’s name, go the phone and start dialing their number. Not thinking about the number or looking it up. I ‘do’ phone numbers. A while back it happened that I thought of a friend, went to the phone and stood there blank. I tried to recall her number but it wasn’t there. I had to go look it up. Unusual yet in a case like that I would take it to mean that it is not the ‘right’ time to call this person. I may dial the number and hit the wrong key or get a busy signal or something happens that has me realize that if the person does answer the phone it will not be a good time for them. Or likely I will get the answering machine or somet...