Healing before we traumatize our kids

I believe it was just before PM was born or possibly just after and I was crossing the road. There were the melted remains of an ice cream cone on the road. I felt my system cringe at the thought of what the child experienced when s/he dropped the cone. I really felt then the importance of healing my issues around food so that I wouldn’t treat my children with the disrespect or harshness that would come so naturally to me in such a situation.

I think of this now over 5 years later and feel pain to see that I may have come a long way (I’d like to believe that, though often it feels like I am just as stuck and dysfunctional as I was then) there have been many experiences where I have treated my kids in a way that makes me cringe and shiver.

A recent example (and definitely not the worst of things I have done) happened this evening. Thomas has taken on bath time with the kids. He was just doing something quick in the living room and I heard LB crying in the tub. As he didn’t seem to be moving towards the washroom I went to see what the matter was (ah here I am interfering again?). PM has poured water over LB’s head and she was all wet and didn’t like it. I pointed out to PM that she didn’t want him to pour water over her (I think he figured that one out – he’s not dense). Then I took a container, filled it up with water and poured it over his head. Dumb move Shera! What? You tell them not to do something and then proceed to do it yourself?

This action brought many loud tears from PM which then upset LB even more. He didn’t want me to wet his hair. He wanted to do it himself. And on and on. I just stood there unsure of what to do. Thomas then came along and took over with the two howling kids.

How childish is that? You do this so I’ll do it back to you. Not an empowering lesson for anyone.

Examples like this just make me feel bad and wish I were much more healed as a functional human being than I often feel I am. We won’t even go into the whole dysfunctional food patterns that have gone on in this household with me and others. I have wondered time and again why these beautiful kids picked me as a mother. Surely they could have done much better and not be prone to suffer as I have in my life.

Then again, it seems there is a lot of suffering all over. We all have our trials. Just talking with a friend the other day and she said things seem harder now. Heck they were quite hard and challenging years back. Even those that are out there with inspirational healing messages and techniques themselves have their many forms of suffering and obstacles.

Is there a rhyme or reason? Gotta believe it. Gotta move towards finding my life purpose and trust that my kids will not have to spend until they too are 40 to find healing for their traumatic childhood.

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