To be liked for who I am - who am I
Today I was remembering a time at the cottage with some friends. One male friend really liked me and we were good friends. I was remembering the comfort of just hanging out and how it felt to be cared for and appreciated no matter how crazy I may act. How I believe it may feel to be liked no matter what – to be liked for who you are.
Then I went to the thought that how many people really know others. This person liked me but I believe a lot of what he liked came from how his past has shaped his life – how he perceived me is not necessarily who I am. Heck I don’t know myself so how is another supposed to like me for who I am.
I guess this is the task put before me (and many of us here on Earth) – to discover who I am, what makes me tick and then to like myself regardless. Ya know that’s not an easy task.
I see a controlling self on the outside – this is not who I am but this is a behaviour. This is not easy to like. It is not easy to live with but I believe I need compassion for who I am and how I am. There are times I see myself in one way and really wish I were another – even if the way I am really isn’t that bad.
The other part of this I see is the connection with others. Sometimes I feel as if I am just an observer of life. An observer of objects and these objects are actually people with minds and feelings. An outsider that feels unable to connect in a meaningful way. The sad part of this is seeing it with my children. These beings that have grown with me from a mere egg inside of me and I see my way to connect is lacking some great truth to it. They are objects to observe, to love, to care for, to feed, and to hang out with – but do I really connect with them? I don’t really know. It sure feels lonely sometimes though!
At least, that's what I sometimes think when I'm trying to be nice to myself; when I'm being "easy" with life; when I'm feeling saner. Maybe nothing is "right" and nothing is "wrong"; it's just a choice to be more like the me I seek to be, or less like the me I seek to be.
Mind you -- I'm so sleep deprived today I've already yelled at my son, and cried in a discussion with the dh, and I'm hoping that my heart can remember who I'm seeking to be... and help my mind to get out of the way -- especially when I'm lacking sleep!
You know, the people who I *think* like me for who I am, are also the people who are least likely to judge me. They are the people who can see past whatever is "up" in the moment, and see me as bigger than I am (especially when I'm feeling small.) They are the people who choose to see the goodness and even greatness in me, even when I can't see it.
Perhaps what we all most forget is that the "truth" of us is bigger and more beautiful than even we recognize. We're all too busy beating ourselves up for our flaws.
I wonder why it's easier to focus on our flaws than on our own whole and healed parts. We never see the thousands of things that we do in a day that are "blameless" and full of grace -- we just tend to focus on our faults.
Just a thought: I wonder if that let's us off the hook for being everything that we could be? Perhaps we scare ourselves more with our limitlessness, than our smallness. Perhaps we become used to our box and it's scary to let it go.
Like the previous post - to be able to act with equanimity at all times sure would be nice - for me and for those around me.
May we all live up to our greatness and express it while uplifting others to do the same. And may none of us feel intimidated in the process...