Depressed again

Been thinking of a conversation I had with a friend a while ago where she was saying she wanted to hold onto her anger. She didn’t want to let it go because she wanted change. Her anger related to her relationship and is common where the emotions flare up, words are exchanged and then eventually things smooth over but nothing is solved or changed.

I have been feeling this way except my anger is more of a depression. Lots of tears, lots of emotion and yes, lots of anger in there as well. So down (it sure is hard to be a parent when all you want to do is bury your head/ whole self in the ground) and out and wanting change. Change from myself, from my manipulating and controlling ways. Ways that have kept me trapped and stuck and tied in knots.

But the depression slips away, the tears are less often and less intense. The inner turmoil is less but part of me wants to hold onto it because I want change. I don’t want to be this way. I want things to be different and thus want to hold onto the depressed feelings so that I remember what I am ‘working’ towards (except my work is just feeling sorry for myself). I keep reminding myself of acceptance – that if I so desperately feel that I need to change it doesn’t allow me the space to be and thus I am fighting myself.

So the fight goes on – the struggle to accept myself and my faults; the struggle to be with these intense and painful emotions; the struggle to be present with my kids when I want to be anything but here; the struggle to remain here when all I want to do is run away because after years of looking for healing it would seem as if nothing has changed and I am still trapped by a prison of my own creation.

The day is a bit lighter; the quiet times allow the tears. Poor PM as he comes to me and gives me hugs and asks me ‘What’s up?’ He is so sensitive to changes in emotions. And what can I say? ‘Your mother is a basket case that shouldn’t be allowed to be a parent. She should be alone on an island somewhere far away from relationships.’ But no! Beating up on myself is not the answer. Bringing PM into my struggles is not the way to go. Hiding my emotions is also not realistic nor a good lesson for the kids. Heck why can’t I just be perfect?

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