April 17, 2021

 I find myself upset at this barbaric cancer treatment to be ravaging the body and causing all these problems.  And yet I know that, without the treatment at the beginning, he would likely no longer be alive.

The What Ifs and hindsight.

I know they are not necessarily helpful but I wonder…

What if I would have gone in on Saturday or even Monday afternoon?  And I know I can't beat myself up but I knew something was up, this weekend was spent feeling concern. And yet in the past things have been so smooth and I question the other visits to emergency, were they really necessary?

The night was still spent up every hour and this pooing thing can be pretty messy.  A couple of times we went through the process, got him back in bed and he realizes he needs to go again.  And then, we don't always fall back asleep immediately.  It can take time no matter how tired I am.  He also had a Charley horse a couple of times.  That needs lots of massaging and takes time to resolve.  So I spend longer in bed in the hopes of catching more sleep time.

But it looks like there are answers.  The doctor is quite sure it is blood in his stools.  Apparently, blood is a laxative.  This explains where all the blood and platelet transfusions are going.  Now to figure out where the GI distress is and what they will do about it.  The doctor mentioned possibly needing a feeding tube again.  Marlon will be so upset if it comes to that.  I sure don't like the thought either but we will see.

And then there is the whole movement issue.  Because he has been feeling so unwell, Marlon has spent more time curled up in his chair at home.  It looks like his leg muscles have started to seize up.  Thus, he can't stand straight with whole foot on the ground.  He has had physio in to see him a couple of times and he cries.  He doesn't want to do the work and it is uncomfortable.  He can't walk more than a couple of steps and that hurts.  He isn't moving his upper body or arms much because of all the tubes and wires attached.  I keep reminding him if he doesn't do something now, it will get worse and cause more pain down the road.

At one point in the night, Marlon was moaning and restless in his sleep.  As he came around he said, 'I learned a lot of power-ups in this bed'.  Hmm, interesting dream?


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