September 9, 2020

September 9, 2020

Before Marlon was admitted and he was in so much pain, looking at me pleading for me to help him and I just felt so helpless.

And now he is looking at me pleading to help him feel better and all I can do is hold the space, let him know I am here with him, for him.  When he cries and says he can't do it.  When he just feels so sick and nauseous and I do my best to support him in keeping the food down.  And the sick feeling just goes on and on even though they give him anti nausea medication.  I step away for a bit and as I come back I see the nurse rounding the corner to flush his vomit.

Occasional short lived moments where he is talkative and alive but mostly just sick.

The pills come for him to swallow and he starts 'panting', the anxiety rising, and saying he will be sick.  He can't swallow the pills.  In the morning the first two pills bring up his breakfast.  A while later we manage to get them into him and they stay down at least until around 5 when lunch finally comes up.

And bedtime comes and he is so tired but his leg which he can't walk on now had symptoms like restless legs, he is tossing and turning and the leg can't relax.  He can take pain meds but it is a pill.  He will not take the pill so I massage and massage his leg until he finally falls asleep.

And throughout this day my eyes well up with tears over and over again.  We watch a movie with sad parts and the tears spill over.

A meeting with the doctor earlier in the day where she explains to me that part of the marrow results come back that show a particular leukemia that does not respond to chemo.  The tears spill over as I say 'that is not good then'.  The doctor explains that in the past it would have required a bone marrow transplant but now there is a pill that does work. High risk number 2.  This can't be!

Thursday is an intense day with another sedation and lumbar puncture and two rounds of chemo ( I think 2). I don't want to be sent home after that and I would like to see Marlon at least able to take his pills without bringing all food back up again immediately, so we will stay another day…


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