September 29, 2020

 September 29, 2020

Oh I know I'm doing fine.  I know I'm doing it.  I'm doing the best I can but boy was today a hard day.  A day that I feel I have made mistakes. Forgotten to do a couple of things I was supposed to.  Not stayed on top of things.  And yes I know, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes and we all have days like this.

Marlon was having a fit and crying because he feels so bad, the pain, the discomfort, and the stress if it all.  He doesn't want to hear of people that have fought the disease and come out ahead.  He is in it right now and doesn't want to hear the success stories. And he wants a weekend where he can get away and forget about it.  He wants holidays from his pills. He is living it and not loving it.

It is hard to be ok with these outbursts.  I let him cry and I acknowledge his stress and pain. I can't make it better for him.  I can't take his pills for him.

And afterwards I understood his outburst.  Sometimes I don't want to be told it will be ok.  I don't want to be told I am doing great. I don't want to be told it is ok to make mistakes.  I don't want to be walking this path.

But I am.  We are. And tomorrow is another day with highs and lows and feelings and love.

Today's hospital visit was a checkup, blood work, vitals, and chat.  It was rough.  Marlon is not feeling great.  These pains and the suffering he feels.  His blood work looks good.  He should be getting better than he is.  He hasn't gained weight and still has a hard time drinking.  Again they were talking about a feeding tube. And the anxiety they feel he is suffering from.  And then it seems like one more drug, one more problem to fix, and it is overwhelming to keep up with it all.  Does he really need to take all these drugs??

And here we are

And here we walk…


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