Wallowing in Guilt
So many little things are not ‘functioning’ as they ‘should’ be. Losing my keys, mittens disappearing, feeling up and down like a yo-yo – as often and as frequent. Money stress and questioning where it will come from and how will I feed us all without it.
So obviously I am way ‘off-track’. Sure, I could have told myself that years ago! As I wallow and feel even worse for whatever is going on in that particular moment I remind myself of how I would like to feel and what do I need to do or change in order to find more flow in my life. It is possible and there are tiny shifts. However, these shifts are fleeting and seconds later I am distracted and losing it again (losing it with the poor kids – me yelling and PM yelling back at me – I want to put you in the junk – his latest).
Yes I see evidence that my poor little guy is stressed out by some things that happen around here. He is flying away and out of control and yelling and boisterous and hyperactive and ‘at’ LB and one of his parents will subsequently lose it with him. With his father he will cry and say he wants his father put in the ‘junk’ (this worries LB because she doesn’t want to have to find another father – she absolutely adores the one she has now and tells me such very often). He is very taken aback and upset when he gets told off by his father.
With me he has taken to similar kind of talk though he is less upset about my yelling at him (well he doesn’t cry). No instead he just hits me. And I just take it because I feel it is my fault because there have been times that I have lashed out at him and hit him and I feel so guilty about it.
Doesn’t sit right for me! That is an imbalance for sure. The guilt is the imbalance. The guilt keeps me stuck in the same responses again and again. Oh and I create many things to feel guilty about on a regular basis and I use the instances to add to the abuse I load on myself. Silly stuff when I try to pay attention to what will feel right for me but I hang on to that guilt. Perhaps it is time for a change – time to give myself a break and release the need to be perfect! Ha!