Spinning out of control
In many ways I see myself spinning out of control right now. It can appear that I am doing ok (unless you ask Thomas he would tell you I am just as messed up as ever). I am doing, keeping busy, somewhat social, and somewhat ok with the kids. In some ways though it is like I am in a manic state. Spinning and spinning and not getting anywhere. Searching for some sense of stability or balance. Searching for peace of mind. Searching for too much on the outside as I have given up on the inside.
How does this look for me? Just look at the food. It’s summer time. Food is ripe and ready for processing. There is so much I want to do – pesto to make, peaches to can, fruit leather to make, vegetables and cookies to dry, muffins to bake, berries to freeze, and on and on. Tomatoes are just about ready to be made into sauce.
Just thinking about all this is overwhelming. This is on top of my already busy life. There are many days that are already booked up. Plans for most of my time – so when can I do all this extra stuff? How can I find the time to do anything else to find a way to bring in extra money? What about spending time with the kids and being outside more?
Who suffers for this craziness – well we all do. Thomas, the kids, and myself. Somewhere on the horizon I figure there’s got to be some sanity and peace for me but that’s the problem right there – it’s not on the horizon it’s within and it’s up to me to go within to wait for and discover the peace that is waiting for my acceptance.