Frustrated parent

I sure do get frustrated sometimes. Bedtime and waking up in the morning are times of stress. For some reason they are not smooth transitions and it’s pretty common for tears in one of the kids – usually PM.

This evening we’re going upstairs for bed and all of a sudden (when we’re ¾ of the way up) PM decides that LB should hold my hand. By this point she squeezes past him on the stairs and goes ahead up. A great excuse for a temper tantrum for PM. Here we go again. So I also squeeze by, as he sits on the top step and whines and cries, and go use the washroom. We need toilet paper upstairs and I ask him if he’d like to go get some from downstairs. NO! Not surprised but I had hoped it might shift him out of his tantrum. LB comes to use the toilet and I ask her if she’d like to go get some. Of course she would – problem is she can’t get past her brother on the stairs. Oh well she can stay up.

I carry PM to the toilet and then tell LB she can go down now and she does. Then PM goes charging downstairs after her, grabs the toilet paper and brings it upstairs. Arghhhh!!! Luckily she didn’t freak out about this incident (though that kind of thing is pretty common and often she does react). I feel so frustrated. Morning and night PM creates these scenes for some level of temper tantrum. Then he starts whining for ‘booby’ and I just don’t want to turn towards him. Then he starts wiping his nose on the pillow case and when I ask him not to do that but to use a tissue he uses me instead! I lose it and elbow him. He cries more and so do I.

I’ve been feeling pretty bad about myself for many reasons lately and yelling at the kids or acting in an inappropriate way just allow more fuel for the fire (more reasons to kick myself). Earlier on in the day I had lost it with LB when she was being overly whiny and wanted to be picked up constantly when I really needed a moment to myself. I’m in a rough headspace and need some space but the kids feel my torment and become clingier. Crazy stuff – attempting to find balance in life and parenting and love. Is there such a thing as balance? I keep hoping but just when it seems like I may be getting somewhere I’m thrown down in the dumps again and realize I’m swinging up and down like a yo-yo.

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