Equanimity and reactions

-
I came downstairs this evening. LB was asleep and PM was lying in bed doing what he does before falling asleep (I have lately been able to leave him there before he is actually asleep). Minutes later LB is crying and as I’m going upstairs I notice my first reaction is to blame PM for waking her up. Immediately I was able to shift this to just accepting that she has woken up. Perhaps he kicked her and she woke up. Perhaps he rolled into her and she woke up. Perhaps he was cuddling with her and she woke up. Perhaps she just woke up!!

Who am I to go upstairs feeling blame towards PM when I know nothing of what has happened? It just isn’t fair and it happens all too often around here. She cries loud and PM gets the blame. His reaction when I got upstairs was the same ‘taunting’ smile and laugh that he has that I find infuriating. How dare he laugh when he has done something ‘wrong’? (‘Ha ha! I just bonked LB on the head!’ Meanwhile she is screaming in pain.) I didn’t bite the bait this time. I just gave LB the boob and sent love towards PM.

It is important to me to change my reaction. It isn’t about blame. It isn’t who did what to whom. It isn’t about feeling extra anger based on his laugh and smile (could just be a nervous reaction or a laugh that says he knows he did something that wasn’t supportive). In all honesty I know I can laugh or smile in inappropriate situations. It’s not taunting. It’s not goading. It’s just an automatic reaction. Extra anger will not change the reaction.

My reaction ought to just deal with the situation at hand. Insults are unnecessary and useless. Blame or anger towards any of the folks involved is a waste of energy and helps to destroy the loving connection.

So LB woke up and cried. I lay beside her until she was sleeping soundly again. By that time PM was as well. All is well and I wasted less energy getting upset about a minor incident…

Comments

Anonymous said…
It helps to know that I'm not the only one who's been down the same path. I'm glad I read this post of yours. It's given me a different perspective which really makes sense to me. Thanks :)
Siana. (just saw the link to your blog in a recent NPN message)
4:01 pm
Lovingheart said…
Glad to know this meant something to you as well. I often feel bad for judgement especially towards my kids. I just have to remember it's a learning process and sometimes I will respond in a way that I feel good about and others it is another excuse to beat myself up...

Shera
8:44 pm
Anonymous said…
What a good reminder of how much better kindness and compassion works, both for ourselves and others...
3:55 pm
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

November 10, 2022 (2)

-
Image
Today, I dropped Marlon off at outdoor school and met up with a friend I have only seen a handful of times in the last 20+ years.  She was in the area for the passing of a family member. i then went for a walk with Mina.  I watched and she poised herself in hunting position and pounced.  I saw a squirrel run up a tiny little tree but also heard this pitiful whining.  At first, confused, I wondered if she had pounced on a nest in the ground.  But the dog ran to me, crying and whining, holding up her paw.  We were a ways from home and she hobbled carefully home after we sat for a while and she calmed down.  She will often run the perimeter of fields, running this way and that.  I saw her longing to run the field as we made our way back but she was uncomfortable and limping. A short while later, I went to pick up Marlon and watched in amazement as he hobbled to the car.  Yes, he had hurt his foot within an hour of the dog hurting herself.  Both boy and dog are limping.  Just as they were
Read more

July 7, 2022

-
Image
On May 23rd, the week before the chemo that weakened Marlon enough to put him in the hospital, the dog, the boy, and I drove to Montreal. (I am aware of the use of the word 'go' when writing. In German, the verb 'to go' means walking. You don't 'go' in a car.) Before we left, as I was packing up the car, I noticed a fair sized spider web between the driver's side view mirror and the car. I left it alone, figuring the wind would blow it off. It was so nice to see Linsy and Moira and spend time with them. I have missed having Linsy around. It was neat that, when we got there, Olivia, Jamey, and Roka, their dog, were there. They live 15 minutes away from us but were there visiting their son. Mina was definitely happy to see Roka (and all the others too).   Mina got used to walking on sidewalks and being in the city. Other people and dogs, not so much. Moira has given me a belt with a dog lead on it for hands-free walking. It worked but was even bett
Read more

July 5, 2022

-
Image
Decision was made that Marlon was to go check blood counts on Monday.  We drove down to Hamilton together, quick finger poke, and then leave again.  A couple of times, we drove around the parking garage for almost a half-hour looking for a spot, but Monday was smooth.  Busy place. Blood counts are good so dental work begins.  Marlon's doctor was impressed with the dentist when she spoke with him last week.  In support, I sit next to him in the dentist's room and hope my own anxiety, discomfort, and fear don't affect him. Halfway through the drilling of four teeth which was quite intense, they took a little break to check in with Marlon and see if he was up to continue.  He agreed to do more but said he was most concerned about the tastes of the filling material.  With the pain and discomfort of the first part, one would think that would be the least of his worries but he is very sensitive to taste and flavour.  As it turned out he didn't gag or react too strongly so I g
Read more