Time of chaos

What a couple of weeks it has been around here. Overwhelming. Emotional. Exhausting. Tumultuous.

The kids had colds – not a big deal as they fared quite well and it wasn’t too serious. I get the flu. Ick. Not only that we have people over that day so I can’t rest (can I anyway as a mom to two?).

Then two days later Thomas is pruning apple trees and the branch he is standing on gives way. He crashes down and does pretty bad damage to his ribs and the muscle/cartilage in between. Just don’t move or cough or sneeze.

Somewhere in this time I also have computer problems which still aren’t completely fixed. Lots of help from T, a visit to a computer store and still getting errors but at least I know how to get the volume back. Before it just kept disappearing and I didn’t know how to stop it.

Then 5 days after the fall Thomas also gets the flu. That intense feeling of nausea and the fear that he may actually vomit as it would cause intense pain in the ribs. Luckily he got better quickly after a day in bed.

I am an emotional wreck though. Don’t talk to me. Angry in so many ways. Lots of self judgment and criticism. Rough time. Then I miss the last step on the way into the basement. Crash down as I fall over my right foot. Pain. I lie on the floor for a long time and eventually am able to get up though things continue to remain black and I see stars. I managed to crawl back upstairs and sat on a chair but had to lie down on the floor before I pass out again.

Luckily Thomas and the kids were a big help as it is hard to hobble on only one foot. Also lucky that it is only a sprain and not a break. The pain was less intense than the sprain from back in ’99 (another fall down stairs leading to a basement – how am I missing a step on the way to the subconscious?) but more acute in certain areas which made me a bit concerned. Now a few days later the pain is much better and I can walk with only a small limp and go up and down stairs on my feet. A relief for my knees as they were very sore from crawling all over the house. I am left with a foot that is still quite swollen with a bruise that goes from the toes to the heel and up to the ankle – covering a good half of the foot!

An interesting thing was that LB was being pretty good about using the potty. I think it has been a couple of weeks since we’ve had a pee on the carpet. I was noticing that and very happy about that but still feeling like I don’t want to be silly and put away diapers prematurely this time – like I did weeks after I took her out of diapers at 18 months and then a short time later realized she wasn’t using the potty for anything other than poos anymore (grateful for part of the pottying equation). So from 19 months to 25 months we had pee wherever she pleased. A frustrating time as I couldn’t get or keep diapers on her.

So today she is going to the potty for a poo and pees her pants. OK no big deal though I am a little surprised. Then hours later (after holding on for a long time) she pees on the bed! Argh! Please I don’t want to be back here again. I seem to have some serious issues in this area as the kids act out with toileting.

It is Thomas that the kids will listen too. I so remember PM saying to him “Dad, get LB of the stairs – mom can’t do it”. There are many things I can’t do with the kids without tantrums or power struggles. LB will strip down and I know I can’t fight her about clothes. Sometimes I can just tell her to bring her pants to her dad and that will work. Other times when he sees her state of undress he tells her to get her clothes and for the most part he can get her dressed again. Much to work on in my relationships and issues of control. These bring on the power struggles and we end up at odds. I end up frustrated and feeling powerless and the kids lose their sense of who’s who in our relationship.

Oh ya know just more stuff to work on but at the same time it seems to be part of the greater package of issues I have in front of me. Why can’t we be perfect? Life is easy and simple. All my relationships sail along with ease and joy and unconditional love. Well I can hope anyway and otherwise keep working with what is in front of me…


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