Going nowhere

So what can I say. Been pretty silent lately in the written word. Is it all locked inside of me or cried out in tears.

Ya know when you want change to happen so bad that it just can't. Can't just wish for change. Parts if me feel threatened by the need to be completely different – it means am not ok the way I am. Am I not? And yet the way I am does not work for me or others. So...

Balance. Something I strive for and lately feel like it is so far away and such an unreal expectation. Balance. Hunh? And of course the further away I am from that elusive goal then the further away I travel. And the more I have reason to feel bad and beat myself up.

Then what? Well then more of the things in life that trigger me and more reason to have melt-downs. Seems like a repetitive cycle.

Does it end? Well of course it does. Things change and the rough times go up and down in their intensity. Some days seem easier than others. And others I just wish I could dig my head in the sand or go somewhere far away and never come back – never come back to me anyway. Though the intense feelings do end, it seems like that elusive change doesn't happen. Sure things change in minute ways, so minute that you can't see the change or even feel it. But it is there, right?

I keep thinking that by May of next year I want to be totally over this. Over what – well over all my issues that keep me stuck and vying for the impossible control. Why May? Well that seems to be the time when all hell breaks loose around here and when the hard times begin. I don't remember them lasting this long last year though.

How can anyone write so much without saying anything?

Meeting Thomas

I've been thinking about how Thomas and I met and how we came to be together.

I had heard about him years before I first met him. My boss at the time was talking about organizing a sweat lodge and wondered who was interested. The person leading the sweat lodge was Thomas. As it turned out there was insufficient interest ( I was interested) so we didn't do the sweat but my interest was piqued.

Years later I was at a health expo and there was Thomas wandering around as well. I went up to him and introduced myself. Ya know, my name and the fact that I heard he did sweat lodges and was disappointed it didn't work out the many years before. That was that.

A short while later I was attending a workshop when who should walk in but Thomas. He was unable to attend the full workshop but came for just the first day. We talked a bit again and he offered me a drive home. I accepted but got him to drop me off on his way and I walked the rest of the way to my place.

He called me a while (maybe a day or so or that evening – don't remember) telling me that I had left a crystal in his car. I had been carrying around a few crystals/stones in my mittens and one must have fallen out. Not remembering much about the crystal except that it was a cute, small one I suggested he keep it since perhaps it wanted to be with him.

A short while later I went to the store that I had bought the crystal from to see the kind of crystal and read what it was about. I was shocked and surprised to read that it is a good crystal to give to someone that you want to love you! What was going on here?

I went over to his place a few times for chats and ever so often we would go out to dinner together. Sometimes we would hang out in an intimate way without actually being intimate.

We were just friends and that was fine. My life was taking me in other directions in the relationship department but still we kept in touch.

There were many times where I would find myself going somewhere (usually a restaurant) and feeling unclear as to why I was going there. (I was not in the mood to eat at said restaurant and not even in the mood for a snack. I still remember the feelings running through me one evening as I was biking home from my sister's place. I just wanted to get home but was getting a clear message that I should go to the Vegetarian Restaurant. I didn't want to go there. I was not in the mood for their food. I didn't really want to go out of my way but I knew I was supposed to go there. That quiet little voice was being rather insistent. So I figured I could pick up a cookie to have some other time. As I'm walking in I see Thomas and he had just come back from meeting with his sister and was grateful to see me.). The reason would become clear when I would see Thomas sitting there enjoying a meal with no other companions. So I would hang out with him for a while.

So our paths just kept crossing in planned and unplanned ways until things crossed over to being more than just friends. Somehow his feelings for me changed and our relationship took on a new level. We continued our Saturday night dinners but added more communication and intimacy into the mix.

One time I commented on the quantity of electrical outlets in his house (there were so many there) and he read that as me wanting to move into his place. I was shocked as I had no thoughts or intentions at that point of moving in with him. It didn't take that long though before I was giving up my place and moving in with him. Moving in with someone sure brings the challenges up a level. I was in and out of accepting things with him versus just wanting him out of my life.

No matter how hard I tried to change our relationship and get away from him I always found myself back with him again.

They say that relationships take a lot of work and that sure is true. I know I am at times unwilling to do any more and will just sort of check out. We co-habitate until such time as we can come together and see about getting unstuck. Sometimes we can, and other times the issues are such that we just come at it again and again without much seeming to change. I can only believe that things are changing even if I can't see the evidence in the moment.

And when things are rough I just try to remember my love for him and how much I care about him and appreciate him. Eventually the tough times calm down and appreciation is easier to feel.