Part 2 – I am so lucky

This morning I was thinking about the second part to the tale of woe. I am so lucky.

Though it wasn’t often easy I was able to ‘fly’ through the challenging times of Linsy’s sickness by counting the ways I was lucky. There were many times where I had other things I wanted to be doing – getting meals ready, getting outside for a bit, and whatever else (how selfish is that?). Of course with her not being well she just wanted mommy and daddy to be right there all the time.

Often I was able to lie there with her and drift off into my ‘gratitude list’. Lying in bed beside her nursing her and thinking how lucky I am to have a comfortable bed to lie on, how lucky I am to be able to breastfeed, live in such a wonderful place, have a daughter to nurse in the first place, and on and on.

It sure does make things easier.

And then there are times like this evening where that list is out the window and finding gratitude for much feels challenging. Caught in the negative thoughts about what is and the fear of what is to come. Feeling drained and empty and tired and scared. Then I feel the need for her to fall asleep now and I know I need to calm myself and I try to calm myself but get caught up in stuff and she flitters about and then eventually falls asleep but is determined not to let me go.

I do ‘break away’ once she is finally asleep, a good 45 minutes later than it could have been especially since she was so tired. I am more drained than before and just as scared.

I look out the window at the beautiful scenery… I look at the monitor which is shining brightly… I think of the lovely tea that is steeping and almost ready… I think of my two lovely children lying asleep in bed… and I remind myself to breathe…

Tale of Woe

My tale of woe

Well ya’ll know my computer monitor has not been fully functioning for a while. Well now it is completely non-functioning – white screen when the computer is on and has been this way (minus an hour) for about a month now.

No big deal except it means the kids can’t watch DVDs and certain videos because they just don’t work on the new monitor. Well at least I have a monitor. At least until last week that is. Now the new monitor that is attached to the laptop is shorting out as well. Last week I came to my computer in the evening and it was black. Couldn’t get it back. Tried Paco’s monitor. Didn’t work either. Great – my computer is toast if I can’t view what is on it.

Luckily I was able to get it back working again after a break. Since that time it blacks out quite regularly. What this mean to me is that I need to be prepared that in the near future it is likely to black out for good. Keep backups up-to-date.

The interesting bit with this is that my dear, beloved, well used blender decided to go on the fritz the same day the monitor initially blacked out for a lengthy period of time. It would cost me over $150 to get the blender fixed (my 7 year warranty expired a few months ago of course). So instead of getting the blender fixed I am dealing with it being on high only (better high than being stuck on low speed – that would be useless). Makes more noise when starting up and more mess. Start the blender on high and the contents explodes within the container.

God and Prayer requests

Years ago I turned away from the god I had been brought up with. Too much judgment, too much living in fear, and somehow there just seemed to be too much hypocrisy. My defenses were on with the mere mention of the word ‘god’ and I was closed to hearing anything on the subject.

As my path progressed I opened up to greater spirituality which included a great appreciation for all that is, for angels, for the many beings beyond our human eyes. Slowly but surely I also brought more of an appreciation for god in whatever form was right at that moment.

This appreciation and comfort is really an ongoing process. I continue to grow and let go of my judgment of the character that I once considered too judgmental. My beliefs don’t follow any organized religion and they can be varied and change from moment to moment.

A while back my sister hooked me onto a site that offers a sort of tutorial on opening up to the voice of god within. I view our individual voice of god as our higher self and at the same time believe that all that we are is a part of god so our higher self is god’s voice though there may be an element of ‘humanness’ added to it.

Then they started a site where one can add in a prayer request. This may be something that fulfills a need out there as many of us are reaching out for help and sometimes to be able to do that with anonymity may be an advantage.

My spiritual path is constantly changing and growing as are most areas of my life. To be a life learner is to continue to learn and expand my awareness of all that is…

A and 40

LB is more aware of letters and is interested in which words start with which letters. This is mostly started by PM as he has just gone through this where most names become ‘What is the first letter of …?’

This morning we were in the kitchen. PM was lying on the floor (not feeling well at all, poor guy) and LB started in on the ‘What is the first letter of …?’ Actually she can tell me the first letter of Paco quite easily and of Linsy and of Shera. We went through all the letters of Paco and Linsy and mom. Occasionally I will ask them which one it is. PM knows his letters and sounds more and more. LB on the other hand, well let’s just say most of it is guess work.

‘What’s the first letter of peach?’ ‘A!’ ‘pppP’

‘What’s the first letter of plum?’ ‘A!’ ‘pppP’

‘What’s the first letter of pear?’ ‘A!’ ‘pppP’

‘What’s the first letter of pineapple?’ ‘A!’ ‘pppP’

‘What’s the first letter of mango?’ ‘A!’ ‘mmmM’

‘What’s the first letter of apple?’ ‘T!’ ‘A!’

‘What’s the first letter of tomato?’ ‘A!’ ‘tttT’

‘What’s the first letter of avocado?’ ‘A!’ ‘Ya, you got it!’

Just to say that any letter guesswork the answer is ‘a’ unless of course it should be.

As for numbers well the answer is either 4 or 40. If she is telling me how many of something there is she will likely say 40. The kids are talking in the back of the car about tiles on the roof I think. And LB answers with definite certainty that there are 40. Well you get the picture. A and 40. Pick your choice.

Seeking, change and information

Change is afoot. Struggle and resistance to that change is also present. That creates more struggle. It is stressful. The constant back and forth in the mind. The free-flowing ease of living with what is, and then, the questioning, the counting, the naming and the blah blah blah of the inner voice and the pain as a result of the lack of peace.

So many healing modalities and there is much value in all of them I am sure. Perhaps it is just the places I frequent but seems to be more and more. People are realizing that many of us are searching. Searching for healing, searching for peace of mind, searching for success, searching for a free life with love and happiness. All of these modalities will offer you a path in that direction. Heck the internet really is a great tool for that. Spend hundreds of dollars here and there and your life will be perfect. Well not really because after all of this you are still human and still living in an imperfect world.

What many of these modalities teach is that the answers are within you. Of course you have to pay to find out how to tap into these answers. And the big issue is that you still have to do the work. So do the work and trust the answers will be found.

This seems to be a time of vast amounts of information. You can read about pretty much anything on the internet. People are always willing to share opinions and knowledge and advice. Books are being written all the time and people are excited to buy these books and learn more. Somehow, someday, we will need to read less books, we will need to do less in order to know more…