Living for dying

I am living my life in a way of getting it done. Working on healing all that needs to be healed so I don’t have to come and do it over again. Working on getting it all done. Passing the time with the end in sight. Working for the end but the end I am working towards is death.

When I have a stretch of time in front of me (such as a time of vision quest or being ‘out there’ with nothing to do) then I am counting the time until it is over. Passing the time. And each minute passes ultra-slow and each day seems an eternity. Living the day until it is time to sleep. Living life until it is time to die. Where is the enjoyment in that?

Where is my enjoyment in life? Where am I? Sitting motionless sitting calm on the outside looking for change. Looking and waiting for signs. Signs of what? Signs of forward movement – signs that I am that much closer to my goal. And what goal is that? The goal of death perhaps? How about that? Thinking of death as a goal to which I am working towards. What are your goals in life? Dying. I am guessing I am not the only one. Sure there are mini-goals between here and there and things that are accomplished. These days though those things that are being accomplished are so uninspired. By the clock. Basic fulfilling of needs. That and running from mealtime to mealtime. Living the day to get it all done. Until I get time to myself to drown myself in the world of the computer and the lives of others.

Where is my life? What am I doing to bring myself joy? What am I doing to bring joy to those around me? How am I making choices that support life for me and for others?

Grateful for relationships

When I look at my life I see so many areas for which I am grateful. If I think about manifesting and those things that are important to me I can just look at people I know and talk with that have wonderful qualities and great gifts to offer and I have inspirations for my journey.

At this point one thing that is important to me that I do struggle with is relationships. With all that I meet and know but most importantly with my children. Who my children become and how they feel about themselves and others are important factors to me. I can look at ‘grown kids’ and their parents and see positive relationships and healthy, functional, and secure individuals. I can do my best to create a positive relationship with my family of origin to set a positive example.

I have many times I feel down but I have so much to be grateful for. My life has much abundance and yet there are times when I get caught up in the ‘small stuff’ and ya know I think that just comes with the territory of being human. I do believe that can change and the energy that gets wasted on the small stuff can be channeled in a healthier fashion.

Change is possible but it does take commitment. Also important is not to put myself in the situation where I feel I ‘have to’ change. That just brings about resistance. And the way to not feel I ‘have to’ change is to accept where things are at now. To accept and live the present but to have visions and aspirations for the future. Now how to accept the present when in a negative state of mind where ‘the sky is falling’ and it is ‘never any good’. Just remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for and if I let myself go that list can be quite long…