Wallowing in Guilt

So many little things are not ‘functioning’ as they ‘should’ be. Losing my keys, mittens disappearing, feeling up and down like a yo-yo – as often and as frequent. Money stress and questioning where it will come from and how will I feed us all without it.

So obviously I am way ‘off-track’. Sure, I could have told myself that years ago! As I wallow and feel even worse for whatever is going on in that particular moment I remind myself of how I would like to feel and what do I need to do or change in order to find more flow in my life. It is possible and there are tiny shifts. However, these shifts are fleeting and seconds later I am distracted and losing it again (losing it with the poor kids – me yelling and PM yelling back at me – I want to put you in the junk – his latest).

Yes I see evidence that my poor little guy is stressed out by some things that happen around here. He is flying away and out of control and yelling and boisterous and hyperactive and ‘at’ LB and one of his parents will subsequently lose it with him. With his father he will cry and say he wants his father put in the ‘junk’ (this worries LB because she doesn’t want to have to find another father – she absolutely adores the one she has now and tells me such very often). He is very taken aback and upset when he gets told off by his father.

With me he has taken to similar kind of talk though he is less upset about my yelling at him (well he doesn’t cry). No instead he just hits me. And I just take it because I feel it is my fault because there have been times that I have lashed out at him and hit him and I feel so guilty about it.

Doesn’t sit right for me! That is an imbalance for sure. The guilt is the imbalance. The guilt keeps me stuck in the same responses again and again. Oh and I create many things to feel guilty about on a regular basis and I use the instances to add to the abuse I load on myself. Silly stuff when I try to pay attention to what will feel right for me but I hang on to that guilt. Perhaps it is time for a change – time to give myself a break and release the need to be perfect! Ha!

Sick night for LB

Had a rough night with LB last night. She was fussing in bed and couldn't settle. Lying on me, nursing and complaining. When she gets like this she says she wants to go downstairs. I am too tired and lazy to want to get up and trip over stuff in the dark while I walk around with her. Eventually she fell asleep again only to awaken a while later to throwing up. She was lying on my arm so mostly the pillow and I caught it. Yuck!!

I felt like jumping up and into the shower except of course that isn't a possibility. Luckily LB was very calm. So much so I thought she was still asleep after throwing up. Turns out she was awake. I took off her sweater, my top, removed the pillow (washed it a bit), covered up the bed, and tried to ignore the smell and the feeling of mucky hair (I did say yuck!!). It didn’t take long for LB to fall asleep again. Then of course every movement from her or change in her breath and I am bracing myself to have her throw up again. It took me a while to calm down enough to fall asleep once more. Luckily it was just a one time thing and today she was eating and ok but tired after having a rough night.

Laundry was done (oh I am so grateful for laundry machines!!), the kids had a bath and I had a shower. All is back to normal. Well sort of – is there a normal? I don’t know…

Organic quality and price

I notice that if something has a lower price than I expect than I wonder about the quality of the product. For instance today we made a quick stop at the grocery store and there was organic broccoli for $1.99 when lately the selling price (well from the farmer’s market and health food store) has been $4.75. The cheap broccoli came from South Africa and that sure is far away. Heck even the hidden costs are almost greater than the money paid out. And also these days there is much about organics and the standards being loosened as larger companies want to get a piece of the pie. Products that are labeled organic can come from countries that have greatly different standards in calling something organic.

Getting to the point where I wonder if it is even worth it to buy organic in the first place. For me I guess it still is but realistically what would be most worth it is to change my eating habits to eat more with the seasons and stop relying so greatly on greens. Eating local has value in so many ways. I get to support those that I am getting to know – the farmers around here. I know more of how they farm and their values. The food is fresher than anything shipped from far away would likely be. The overall cost is much smaller especially if the transportation costs are factored in.

This is not a new debate for me and many a winter have passed by where I felt that changes were in order and yet my dependence on certain foods shipped here continues. I suppose this is like all those things we’d like to change. Accept it as it is and lose the judgment about it first. This allows a choice which is important to make changes in the first place….