Social woes

Once again I am remembering how I felt about PM when he was born. More like how I felt about how he would be. When I was pregnant it was more important than ever to ‘heal’ and ‘get over my issues’ so that he didn’t adopt them. I can’t say I was very successful.

When he was born I said that he wouldn’t be the kind of person to be inflicted with my social inadequacies and lack of self-esteem. What was I thinking? Poor kid – he’s my son. He is not and likely never will be part of the ‘in’ crowd. He is not a social butterfly. He is better in one on one situations than larger groups. He doesn’t really have a lot of friends and has even managed to lose a few.

There have been many times where his social life brings me to tears. This of course is because it is my own painful life that I see being replayed. And lately this has been ‘in my face’ in many ways.

Another mom and her kids that we have been hanging around with now has another mom that she hangs around with very regularly (much more so than we ever did). They get together many times a week and talk much more. We only ever got together once a month or so. The times we see them now the other family is likely there. They are all great people but that leaves PM and I being the third wheel in a situation.

I go over and there is so much between them in what has already happened that day and all they do. The kids are already playing in their groups and doing their thing. My kids cling closer to me. PM wants to join in but it is hard to find a place when they already have their games set up and their ‘structures’.

I feel sad for us. I feel sad for the times he asks for play dates and there are none to be made. I feel sad for the times I have reached out and not received anything back. I feel sad for the times when I see him behaving in ways that turn others off and which alienate him even further. I feel sad to see my kids saddled with my issues.

We get a book out of the library called ‘Best Friends’ and I have a hard time reading to the kids because I am crying. Crying as I relate to the friend that is left behind while the other goes off on adventures. Crying as I feel so alone and so lonely myself. Crying as I feel sorry for myself and the kids. Crying for the failures that are also ‘in my face’.

Then I have so much busy-ness in my life that we have little time for much on the outside anyway. The kids get along sometimes (note only sometimes – the other times are chaotic, loud and stressful – heck even when they get along it may well be chaotic, loud and stressful). They play together and have their games. We can stay in this small life indefinitely except there is the feeling of something missing and the feeling that we are missing out on much of what life has to offer. So we go out and reach out and I hope that we heal…

Deep sadness due to loss

Sitting down to lunch and the kids had just put a cd on. Another library cd that we haven’t listened to yet and the first song was ‘Puff, the Magic Dragon’. ‘This used to be my favourite song!’ I exclaim. As soon as the words are out of my mouth I wonder why I said that. This song always made me cry. It is a sad song. Part way through the song I have tears in my eyes and by the end I am bawling. Full out cry.

Even as I think of it now the tears well up in my eyes. Such a festive song in some ways but the end leaves the poor dragon alone as the boy has grown up and no longer has time for him. He lets out a mighty roar and then goes to hide in a cave. How sad is that? Triggers me big time, that’s for sure.

I am aware of the feelings of desertion that come in. A big part for me is the sadness for the one that is left behind.

When my dad died a lot of my sadness and emotion were for my mom as she had lost her life partner. They had experienced so much of the world together. They had come to Canada together and then he was gone.

One year there was the daddy goose hanging around and for the longest time there was no sign of the mommy goose. I would watch him and feel deep sadness imagining that she had met some sort of demise and he was left to look for her in places they used to hang out. (As it turned out she was sitting on eggs and he was hanging around waiting for them to hatch.)

We had two goldfish that were getting bigger and bigger and they were always together. One day a blue heron got one. It was days before I saw the other goldfish and then when I did s/he was swimming around almost erratically and fast. I imagined the fear that s/he too may be taken. The loss. The looking for the partner. I was sad that we were down to only one goldfish but even sadder for the one that was left behind. Well now there are none – the sunfish remains strong and perhaps next year we’ll try again with more goldfish.

So I’m not sure where this deep sadness comes from but I do know it is not uncommon for me to be triggered to tears by songs. And it is not uncommon to have emotional outbursts of one form or another.

(Oh gosh, speaking of emotion – I look down and the kittens sleeping on my lap and Mojo has his arm around Star and they look so comfortable curled up together. How sweet. Even more emotional to see the kids with arms flung over each other when they sleep or to see them in similar positions though they are not in contact. Such tenderness and connection…)

Lentils

Ever noticed how much more expensive lentils are compared to other beans? I have wondered why. Perhaps it is because there is a higher demand as I know they are a popular legume.

Well this year we grew lentils in the garden. They started off beautifully. Lots of little green plants with a similar look to that of thyme. Lots of little leaves. They get taller and taller (though they do not keep growing higher and higher like many other beans) to about a foot tall. The flowers appear and then each flower turns into one lentil! Not like beans where each ‘pole’ has many beans. One lentil!

One plant yields maybe 15-20 seeds (maybe!) and each one has to be dug out of its shell separately unless you are lucky and get one that has two lentils instead of one.

By the time we got to the lentils many of them had already started to sprout. Now I sure don’t mind sprouted lentils but that’s not what we had in mind – perhaps some lentils to save and eat later would be nice. Not if they’ve already sprouted.

Oh well, gives me a new understanding and appreciation for the lentils we buy. Thomas has decided they are not worth the space they take up. He was disappointed and wrote off the crop. I am a bit more stubborn (in a few ways – definitely when it comes to food) and am still tackling the hanging dried plants to see if I can extract a few more seeds – so far I’m not even close to having a full serving…

A fall off the trike

I have written before about PM and his bicycle. He is quite comfortable on two wheels and zooms all over taking tight corners too. Rough terrain is no problem and he’ll go anywhere he can with great speed.

It was almost comical to me that his first painful fall happened today but it was on LB’s tricycle! Not sure what he did (Thomas was there) but he scraped his chest and was upset and crying.

I suppose this kind of thing isn’t surprising as often it seems that if you are overconfident with something and take chances it is then that things can go wrong. Oh well I’m guessing he’ll stick with this bike for now.

Suicide and living inside a box

For whatever reason suicide has come to my mind lately. Not me attempting suicide but what it means to those left behind, why it is done and really how tempting it is to consider.

I have been experiencing hard times lately. Feeling down in the dumps – up against myself and losing the battle and taking it out on those around me – especially Thomas and the kids. And of course the more I focus on how hard it is, how bad I feel, how much I dislike myself then the worse it gets. It does become like a bad joke – how many more things can go wrong? At least today when something crashed to the floor I laughed at it.

I haven’t been doing much laughing lately (though the cats and kids do offer some laughs). Then I think of friends that have had direct experience with suicide in their life. I think of those that have committed suicide, and part of their purpose (though I’m guessing this is not a big factor) is to make others aware of how they are suffering. Make them pay. Those that are left behind are left with questions. What have I done wrong? What could I have done to make it better?

There is an appeal to the thought of suicide – a way out of all this suffering. At least it can be part of the belief. I was taught early on in my teenage years (probably a good time to learn this before it was too late) that suicide is not a way out. The suffering continues and then you are doomed to come back and repeat it again. Your best bet is to learn the lessons and move beyond the place where it feels like too much.

So I feel down and stuck without freedom in a life that feels lonely and crazy and I know it is of my own creation. If I could just change my thoughts. If I could just be more positive. If I could just accept things the way they are. So many if’s that could bring change and yet change is resisted.

I have also resisted being put inside a box. I have resisted furthering my education and being told what to do. I have resisted fitting in. I had the realization that this resistance to some outside force putting me in a box is because I have already placed myself in one. I have no room to move and have been unable to break down the walls that I have created to keep me safe, that in fact keep me bound up tight – alone and scared and angry. So don’t you dare put me into a box. I don’t like boxes. I won’t go into your box thank you very much. I have my own. I don’t need anymore until I can find out the key to letting myself out of the current one. And then hopefully I will also learn how to stay out of boxes and learn to live a life with freedom.

Appreciating the Seasons

There is nothing new about gaining a new appreciation for life by being with kids. PM is so excited by the changing seasons and all that can be done with the different weather conditions. A good lesson for me as I have a hard time with fall. Sure the colours are pretty but I think that winter is coming and the weather is so much cooler and the green is all going away and the gardens are being prepared for the sleep of winter and greens are much harder to come by. I was talking about this to PM and he reminds me that winter isn’t here yet. There is still green around. The garden hasn’t been completely ‘closed up’ yet. I smile and chuckle – yes he is right but I still prefer the heat of the summer.

Yesterday evening we had a flurry of snow. Coming down pretty hard for a while and the kids were all excited, running from one window to another to check it out in the fading light of the day. PM woke up in the middle of the night, wondering if it was close to morning so he could go outside and catch some of the snow with ‘grader’ before the light of day melted it away. He was so excited about the snow. He has been talking about it for a while and the work ‘grader’ will do in the snow on the roadway. He also enjoys the shoveling.

In the fall he loves to rake the leaves. In the summer there are many things to appreciate – sand to dig in, the garden to work in and all sorts of outdoor projects that go on. In the spring is digging in the garden and other assorted tasks that we do.

He is an outdoor person. Unfortunately his sister is not. She is ok being outside in the warmer weather but, like her mom, she is not a happy-camper in the cold, cold weather. Whereas I have gained an appreciation for being outside more even in the cold she just wants to be inside. This is a challenge – another place where I am being split down the middle. I am needed inside with LB and outside with PM. This too is nothing new – to be needed in different places at the same time.

More on the kittens

Our kittens are fitting in well into this household. I think we all appreciate them and enjoy much about their presence (well still not sure about Thomas as Mojo recently crashed his computer and it took Thomas many hours to sort out the problem).

As I write this Mojo is intrigued by the computer and he would be more than happy to jump up on here and swat at the screen or lie down on the keyboard. I have walked away from the computer before and come back to find things have been typed that I sure didn’t do. When the kids were smaller I could just make sure I kept the chairs pushed in and they wouldn’t get up. Kittens, of course, can just jump up or they find other things close by to use as steps up to the table.

Thomas made a scratching post for the kittens and it is a pretty special and solid piece of artwork. It took him (with some help/hindrance from the kids) many hours to put this together. I am always impressed how he creates these masterpieces. The time, effort, creativeness and attention to detail are just some of what he puts into these projects that I appreciate. The kittens do use the post and it is a good springboard to get up on the kids’ puppet house.

Look out to the kittens if the kids are in a ‘mood’. A cat up on the house is fair game to be shaken down. Heck unfortunately there are many other times when they are fair game. Many times the kids are soft and gentle and caring and other times I hear the kittens whining to be set free or running to find a safe place where they will be left alone. They are pretty good sports. There have been many times I have worried they will be permanently harmed and traumatized by some of their treatment (hmmm same as the kids but much more pronounced for my own kin) but then we come home or come down in the morning and the kittens come running and they continue to hang around the kids when they are playing.

So they fit in and I’m sure my legs will eventually heal if they are stopped being used as climbing posts.

Another bonk to the head

Sunday was not a great day for LB. I was carrying her and managed to bang her head into the wall. The bang sounded quite loud and she cried – not an extreme pain cry but more the cry of surprise, of tired, of hurt. Didn’t take long for her to get over it and go on playing with PM (yes they do play well together on occasion).

The kids were doing their usual getting ready for bed routine (bouncing on the bed, jumping all over, general going crazy, and revving up the system type behaviour) and then I heard a loud, pain cry from LB and PM came running to me (I was on the toilet) saying that they bonked heads. She was screaming and crying and very upset and hurting. Though I couldn’t see any signs of where she hurt herself I wondered if it was her nose as at one point she touched it with her hand.

Got the kids to sleep (she fell asleep quickly) but then a few hours later she was up and screaming and writhing with discomfort with a rather high fever. She wasn’t calming down and I was concerned. Brought her down for Thomas to see, and soon she indicated she wanted to sit down and have booby. She fell asleep again but it wasn’t long before she was awake and screaming again. It was a rough night as the fever raged and she was restless and crying.

The next day the fever continued. Thomas gave her some homeopathics. She slept some and was mostly carried and in arms and listless and whining unless she was attached to the boob. I was no longer worrying as I felt sure she was all right but it was a long day with concern for her. Not great fun for PM as we weren’t out too much (she was always in).

By bedtime the fever broke and she was moving around some and even bounced on the bed as we were getting ready for bed. Days later her mood and overall energy levels are not up to par but she is definitely much better. Relief! She sure was a hot kid for a while there.

That poor girl has so many bangs and crashes to her head in the 2.5 years she’s been alive. Some more painful than others. Some are ridiculous and careless. Some are just fluke (the other day I was walking by her carrying some wooden toys and one jumped out of my hand and hit her on the forehead!). But they hurt her and us and I keep wondering if there is a reason for this…