Hunh?? What??

PM’s ‘favourite’ word used to be ‘hunh?’. Anything anybody would say he would respond with that word. He had a friend comment that must be his favourite word – there were times that was all he would say. That really started to grate on my nerves. Really! Of course my habit would be to repeat what I had said. And then the answer would be another ‘hunh?’. Grrrr.

Somehow or other that disappeared but it has been replaced by ‘what?’ or a ‘why?’ One of the two words is almost guaranteed. Even if I answer the why question in the comment. And I still catch myself repeating what I said. Many times I remember to not repeat it and wait and he will repeat his ‘what’ one or two times and then he will repeat what I said word for word.

I find it so frustrating. Many times this happens because he doesn’t understand what I said. But it is also just habit. I keep reminding myself to not repeat what I said and let him work it out.

Today LB came up to me and said ‘What?’. I wasn’t really paying attention and she repeated it a few times and I laughed. ‘Oh no! Not you too!’. She smiled as she was asking the ‘what?’. Not another ‘whatter’. Then at various intervals throughout the day she would come up to me, give me this big grin and say ‘What? What?’. I tried to have no reaction but invariably I would break out in a smile as well (or one of those smiles where you are trying to keep a straight face but your energy is all smiles).

I’m sure eventually ‘what’ will be repeated by something else. I know I have had times where I hung onto a word or comment and then repeat it too often. Grrrr.

Maybe! Do I?

Linsy had this way of talking in which many sentences (comments or observations likely) ended with the word ‘maybe’. ‘He’s going outside, maybe.’ ‘That hat is yellow, maybe.’

I do notice myself enough to be able to say I know where that came from. As someone who can use ‘probably’, ‘certainly’, ‘sure’, ‘maybe’, ‘definitely’, and ‘possibly’ together in one sentence I often use the word maybe. I also have memories of disappointing my then 3 year old nephew enough to understand that little kids don’t really understand ‘maybe’. It’s either yes or no. A maybe is the answer they want it to be.

Lately the ending on the sentences is more ‘Do I?’. ‘I really like to ride my bike, do I?’ This is often followed with a daddy or mommy but not necessarily. ‘I fell down and scratched my knee, did I?’ ‘I can jump very high, can I?’ She often gets a yes to that. What else can you say? If she says something and I disagree she will just keep repeating her point of view until I give up. ‘That apricot is pink is it?’ ‘That’s a pretty orange apricot’ ‘That apricot is pink is it?’ Eventually it is ‘Ya, whatever you say Linsy.’

I have noticed that Paco will often call Linsy – Lins. This is cute to me that he shortens her name. Here we all use our full names. We don’t have short forms or terms of endearment but Paco has created his version of Linsy’s name and it is definitely a term of endearment.

Weather Blessings

I was reminded today of our trip to Ottawa. We travel with a friend and her two daughters. It was a rainy day – raining quite heavy at times. It poured while we loaded up the van and continued on and off while driving (mostly on).

We stopped at the Big Apple for a break and run around. As we were arriving it was still drizzling and we quickly went inside to the washrooms. Then we went outside for a bit and by this time the rain had let up and the sun was shining.

The kids had a great time running in the mini golf part and splashing in the puddles. Running back and forth, splashing and laughing and tempting other kids to join in the fun.

We went back to the car put dry clothes on the kids and prepared to continue on our journey. The clouds came back in full force and by the time we were driving, it was raining again.

I was so thrilled at how well it worked out. What a blessing! Beautiful weather for getting fresh air and exercise and just to stretch our legs. Then rain for the drive when it doesn’t matter so much.

The reason why I was reminded of this is because we had a similar experience today. Same friend came by with her kids for a swim. Rain had started early in the morning and continued for a while then just a drizzle and very overcast. It started to lighten up just before the time we had arranged for her to come by. Thundershowers were in the forecast.

We had a great time at the pool. The kids splashed and swam. I am thrilled to see how much more comfortable PM is in the water. He will let the water get right up to his chin which is a big step for him. The weather was nice. Cloud and sun. We weren’t being baked by constant sun but it was there with clouds gently rolling by.

After a couple of hours as they were packing themselves up in the van to head home it started to pour again. The rain continued on and off for the rest of the afternoon. Another blessing on our time together! Thank you!

Balance in Nature

July 26, 2006

I have been striving to achieve more balance in my life lately. Balance in diet and eating with intention to be more balanced in mood, emotions and temper. More equanimous perhaps. In the past I spent time working with the word equanimous and bringing that balance into my life. Back at it again.

However I was thinking (partially spurred on by my food and summer musings) that nature may be balanced in the long run but this balance is achieved by extremes. Now is the time of year where the gardens flourish. There is an abundance of fresh, living food. Just a few months back the pickings for lettuce were quite slim. Prices were high and what you got for your dollar was not happy, nor healthy looking greens. These days our garden is alive with lettuce; the farms and farmers’ markets have beautiful lettuce to choose from – vibrant, alive, varied…

This time of year, those with gardens often have summer squash (aka zucchini) and then tomatoes in abundance. Then as the season winds down there come the hardier vegetables that will last through the winter in proper storage.

But then there’s winter. Things shut down. The green changes colour and drops away. The shutting down is a drawn out process.

So yes this is balance. The cycles repeat and come around again and there will be warm, sunny days and then frigid days as well. This balance is extreme. Why can’t we have a balanced supply throughout the year? Why are there times of drought?

If I’m trying to achieve balance of emotions and mood could I not then say that a balance is there by living in the extremes? Yes it is balance but not what I am looking for. Is it realistic to expect to be balanced and equanimous at all times? Sure it is natural to feel a range of emotions but I suppose the expectation of balance would be that life is less rocked by the ups and downs – they happen but aren’t completely shaking up our foundation.

Well I sure do find it easier to live with the vibrant, living cycles. Perhaps I just need more introspection to fully appreciate the times of shutting down and death as well…

Fresh food and summmer

Local cherry season is over. Greens are in full force. Beans are starting to appear and peas continue to grace dinner plates (and welcome hands). Tomatoes will be around soon no doubt. We have a few green ones but no signs of red yet. Zucchinis are starting to be everywhere. That wonderful vegetable that grows like crazy and you can only do so many things with it.

My personal favourites for zucchini other than regular mealtime veggies are to use them in baking and dry them. Last year we enjoyed many dried zucchinis – until the jar crashed and I threw out all the rest for concern that they may have bits of glass in them.

I get excited to think about drying cucumbers, zucchini and tomatoes among others. We’ve already made several batches of fruit leather, some yummy fruit and berry popsicles as well as frozen berries galore.

Peaches are on their way and I intend to can many again this year as they were a big hit.

Summer really is an exciting time. Weather that is comfortable to hang out in (for the most part – especially if you’re a heat lover like myself), more outdoor activities, and wonderful, local fruits and vegetables. It’s inspiring to notice changes in the garden. I often walk past corn fields and, though they are sprayed, I find it interesting to observe the speed with which the stalks grow, how the corn pops up, the pretty green colours and the height with which they tower over other things (me especially). When the weather was extremely dry they still held onto their strong green colour and continued to sprout at great speed – a sturdy plant apparently. There is so much in this warm growing weather that reaches out and touches us. Yay summer!

Threatening emails

Ever get those nice email messages that have the cute pictures, the inspiring and kind words? The ones that make you feel good but for some reason they feel the need to end with a threat – send this to all the people you know or you will have years of bad luck. What the…?

With emails I would often just erase those threats and send on the kind thoughts but lately there have been more that come in power point – I can’t edit them (at least I don’t know how). So yes I just delete them. Don’t tell me what to do! Don’t threaten me in order to get me to do something nice.

Is this the state of the world right now? You have to give someone nasty ultimatums if you want them to do a kind act. Seems kind of like how many of us were brought up – with kind words at times and then threats and nasty looks or actions at others. The medical profession that gives threats of death or horrible health if you don’t follow their suggestions. Fear-based motivations don’t always work.

I am quite aware these days how strongly I rebel against being told what to do. I see it in others as well. They may go along with what you say for a while but eventually it comes back at you. I see how I harm myself by resisting others. Leaves me feeling trapped and alone. Yet here I am feeling angry at these emails that say you’re not a real friend if you don’t send this on to others. Arghhhh!

Extremes - appreciation vs. frustration

It started to thunder the other day just as we were getting home. LB was upset and scared and wanted me to carry her in the house (from the car). I asked PM if he could carry the drinks, bag and shoes in. I believe he said no. When I looked he had taken everything in the house. I was very impressed. I told LB what a special guy he is and how helpful he is and how he will stay by her and keep her safe and how lucky we are to have him around (he was in the house by this time).

I left LB in the chair in the porch while I went to get the rest of the stuff out of the trunk. It continued to thunder and she was still nervous (though better for being inside). I came inside and there was PM sitting beside her on the chair with his arm around her. What a sweetheart!! He really does look out for her in so many ways.

Today we were in our rubber boots playing in the puddles. LB is and always has been a puddle stomper. Gets so much enjoyment out of splashing in the puddles. PM has his boots and his bike. He wanted to do some serious puddle splashing. After a few rounds he was soaked and covered in mud. Their boots were wet on the inside. We had fun. I enjoyed watching the two of them and splashing along with them. I am curious however, if I, the person living with perpetually stained clothes, will be able to get his t-shirt clean again.

I can feel so much appreciation for the kids and then am faced with another classic bedtime temper tantrum and go crazy again. PM has always been good about knowing when he needs to go to sleep and going willingly. And yet temper tantrums on the way upstairs or while getting dressed for bed or whatever have been around for about 5 years now (yes he is not quite 5 1/2).

His story tonight was that he wanted to be first upstairs and he wanted me to carry him. I had a sleeping LB in my arms and wanted to get her in bed. He asked me to put her down (screaming and crying by this point) so I could carry him up first but I didn’t want to because then I risk her waking up and getting upset being on the floor. Though his screams end up waking her up anyway. So then I yell at him and charge upstairs with her while he sits on the stairs and howls and cries until Thomas comes to calm him down. I am upstairs getting LB settled again.

It just isn’t working. Bedtime and getting downstairs in the morning bring on constant tantrums. There’s always some excuse. I feel caught because it’s either one or the other.

I stop typing and look at his train tracks set up with the characters all neatly placed and the construction vehicles strategically set in their working positions around the tracks. In another location his other construction guys are lined up in a row with their trucks standing by for work some other day.

Again it’s the extremes – the deep appreciation for who he is and what he does and then the complete frustration with these fits that just take over where there is no easy solution. For these fits all I can think is that I must be the causing factor because they’ve been around so long. Arghhhh! Sometimes it just feels like there’s too much to work on at once and I can’t do it all…

Frustrated parent

I sure do get frustrated sometimes. Bedtime and waking up in the morning are times of stress. For some reason they are not smooth transitions and it’s pretty common for tears in one of the kids – usually PM.

This evening we’re going upstairs for bed and all of a sudden (when we’re ¾ of the way up) PM decides that LB should hold my hand. By this point she squeezes past him on the stairs and goes ahead up. A great excuse for a temper tantrum for PM. Here we go again. So I also squeeze by, as he sits on the top step and whines and cries, and go use the washroom. We need toilet paper upstairs and I ask him if he’d like to go get some from downstairs. NO! Not surprised but I had hoped it might shift him out of his tantrum. LB comes to use the toilet and I ask her if she’d like to go get some. Of course she would – problem is she can’t get past her brother on the stairs. Oh well she can stay up.

I carry PM to the toilet and then tell LB she can go down now and she does. Then PM goes charging downstairs after her, grabs the toilet paper and brings it upstairs. Arghhhh!!! Luckily she didn’t freak out about this incident (though that kind of thing is pretty common and often she does react). I feel so frustrated. Morning and night PM creates these scenes for some level of temper tantrum. Then he starts whining for ‘booby’ and I just don’t want to turn towards him. Then he starts wiping his nose on the pillow case and when I ask him not to do that but to use a tissue he uses me instead! I lose it and elbow him. He cries more and so do I.

I’ve been feeling pretty bad about myself for many reasons lately and yelling at the kids or acting in an inappropriate way just allow more fuel for the fire (more reasons to kick myself). Earlier on in the day I had lost it with LB when she was being overly whiny and wanted to be picked up constantly when I really needed a moment to myself. I’m in a rough headspace and need some space but the kids feel my torment and become clingier. Crazy stuff – attempting to find balance in life and parenting and love. Is there such a thing as balance? I keep hoping but just when it seems like I may be getting somewhere I’m thrown down in the dumps again and realize I’m swinging up and down like a yo-yo.

Home again

To come back to that place where I am here. I am always here but that ‘here’ may be a different place. So now ‘here’ is back home again. A shift – just as going away is a change in the first place. A different pace to go with the new and old scenery.

Our time away was pleasant. We got some social contact which I feel is sadly lacking in my day to day life. My life is busy and there is always something going on but I often feel isolated. One could say that it is the place we live that is isolated but for myself I know it is not a matter of where I live but of the life I have created for myself. I have also chosen a partner that shares and supports the tendency to create isolation.

We had time with just the three of us – PM, LB and I. We wandered around, we hung out at the park, and we went for many walks together. My sister’s dog is older and a great walking dog for kids. PM was always holding the leash while we were out. At first Bessie was more snappy with the kids and less likely to listen to them or take them seriously (it had to be myself or my sister Pamela to convince the dog that we were going out for a walk). Her tolerance for the kids expanded greatly and she got quite used to running ahead with PM instead of waiting for me to walk with her. She likes us even though we bring some exasperating energy into her life. If the kids really pissed her off she would let them know with snaps or little growls. If they persisted she persisted as well but was never hurtful to them. Nice to see the kids connecting with the dogs on our trip as well (my 3 sisters all have dogs – all very different of course).

There were also times where I wasn’t needed as a mother. A big change for me. Time to just hang out if I so pleased with no pressing demands. The kids would hang out upstairs in Pamela’s office for a while if it was ok with her. They were content to watch the fire station across the street. They went to the park a couple of times without me. At the cottage they had more folks to play with. They still liked to have me there and wanted to be close but were wandering further away at the same time.

My birthday was celebrated again. They (family) acknowledged they had the birthday cake for themselves (I don’t eat cakes) but then they created a cake just for me. They set up a series of clues which I followed around (with the help of PM – he really liked that) and it ended up on the deck with a big cake with ‘Happy 40th Birthday Shera’ written on it with 40 candles made out of a foam type material stuck onto the paper. Inside the big cake was PM who broke through the paper to ‘jump’ out at me – my children, my treasures. LB was not comfortable to be in the cake but she was a part of it as well. I feel (felt) very blessed and lucky.

Lessons along the way are a given and talks both deep and involved and more casual bring ideas and instigate more thoughts and shifts. Events that transpired showed me some aspects of myself and how others are affected when I try to push to have things go ‘my way’ or the way I think they should.

So we are home again with lots to do and a change of pace from being away. The kids are excited to see their dad and to be home and to get back into their life here again. Like many of us – it works for us to get away and it’s nice to come back home again. For Thomas it works to have some time with peace and quiet to himself and it works to have his family back home again as well.

Fresh cut grass

I find it kind of amusing that PM is really into taking the wagon around after the lawn has been mowed and cleaning up all the grass. I’m wondering where he got the idea that this needs to be done. We prefer not to clean up the grass clippings – they provide additional nourishment and protection to the ground. Why clean it away? That seems unnatural.

However PM feels it is necessary to be cleaned away – perhaps it is having something to do. Perhaps he likes the esthetics of the grass cleaned away. More likely is he just likes to do it for the sake of doing it.

Today Thomas had him spread his wagon load on the grass around a newer garden to enrich the area there. The piles of cut grass ended up offering much amusement to LB as she sat in it, ran her feet through it and just played with the clipped grass. Something so simple that offers much to many. It all works out doesn’t it?

Another day, another year

Another day has come and gone and I enter into my 5th decade. My fortieth birthday has passed and some folks (friends and family) came to celebrate the day with me. I am glad to have had the company of those that made it. The beautiful day and the pool are just bonuses that make it all that much more wonderful.

There is so much that life brings that may not be what I expect but I know it is just right for the time. Today’s party may not have had the turnout I had hoped for but really it was wonderful and those that showed up are great people. The kids enjoyed themselves and these days that in itself brings me joy as well.

I need to take more time just to hang out with the kids and let our joy of life, of the day, of our company infect me more. I need to experience more joy and let go of the stress of not being perfect!

A bonus to the day was to have an old friend drop by (met when we were two and she moved away 25 years ago and we’ve seen each other once or twice since – last time about 20 years ago). Great that she took the time to look me up. After all these years with our hometown close to 6 hours away, we live about a ½ hour from each other.

Consistency

Many times my initial reaction to something is a ‘no’. This is something that drives Thomas absolutely bonkers. My ‘no’s’ have been a source of frustration for him for many years. The birthright of a woman is to change her mind?

But really I’m not out to name the ways that I say one thing and do another (though Thomas would certainly agree with that one as well) but to consider again the idea of consistency in life and parenting. Today came a parenting newsletter regarding consistency. It is not a crime to change your mind with your kids as many like to say. If I look at myself and my initial reaction I know there are many times where it is much easier to change my mind. Why create stress by needing to uphold a decision that was made without thought for the kids, for myself, for the situation at hand? So whenever it feels right I know I can change my mind. I know that in the ideal situation I would think (or is it feel?) before reacting but hey I’m not perfect yet.

I agree with the list of consistency examples and add my own that I consistently listen to my kids and feel free to change my mind.

Sleeping together

OK this is just too weird. PM was having a hard time falling asleep so I had him in my arms downstairs and then carried him upstairs once he was asleep. I lay him down in bed and he rolls over so he’s lying on one arm, the other is above his head, one leg is straight on the edge of the bed and the other leg is bent over the edge of the bed. Just as he’s shifting his position to get to this, LB stirs in her sleep, changes position to the exact same one as PM except on the other side of the bed.

This happens so often with so many different positions. One arm flung this way, the other arm flung another. Legs in similar or same positions with them either on their front, back or side. In many ways they calm each other in their sleep. Her presence helps him to fall asleep. His presence calms her if she stirs in her sleep. He will roll to her if she calls out. Did I ever mention the time he rolled over me – I was on the single bed next to the main one – to get to LB when she was having a rough night? He had his legs facing the wrong way, got his upper body caught between my legs, kept rolling and then made his sister cry worse when he landed on her with his legs in her face. What a guy! (I just heard a thump from above – must mean that leg that was hanging over the side crashed on the floor.) They may not be touching but they know the other is there and find comfort in that. Lucky kids.