To be liked for who I am - who am I

Today I was remembering a time at the cottage with some friends. One male friend really liked me and we were good friends. I was remembering the comfort of just hanging out and how it felt to be cared for and appreciated no matter how crazy I may act. How I believe it may feel to be liked no matter what – to be liked for who you are.

Then I went to the thought that how many people really know others. This person liked me but I believe a lot of what he liked came from how his past has shaped his life – how he perceived me is not necessarily who I am. Heck I don’t know myself so how is another supposed to like me for who I am.

I guess this is the task put before me (and many of us here on Earth) – to discover who I am, what makes me tick and then to like myself regardless. Ya know that’s not an easy task.

I see a controlling self on the outside – this is not who I am but this is a behaviour. This is not easy to like. It is not easy to live with but I believe I need compassion for who I am and how I am. There are times I see myself in one way and really wish I were another – even if the way I am really isn’t that bad.

The other part of this I see is the connection with others. Sometimes I feel as if I am just an observer of life. An observer of objects and these objects are actually people with minds and feelings. An outsider that feels unable to connect in a meaningful way. The sad part of this is seeing it with my children. These beings that have grown with me from a mere egg inside of me and I see my way to connect is lacking some great truth to it. They are objects to observe, to love, to care for, to feed, and to hang out with – but do I really connect with them? I don’t really know. It sure feels lonely sometimes though!

Talk and dogs

I still like PM’s own way of talking. He has two regulars that make me smile pretty much every time. One is dis-iss-siding (as in deciding). The other one is ‘make suring’ (instead of making sure). I have heard that switching on the ‘ing’ on other phrases as well.

Last Sunday was a trip to Toronto for the day for us. We took my sister’s dog for a walk in the park (the dog – Ruffian or Ruff for short – yes sometimes we go around yelling ‘ruff!’ – always gives us special greetings as we bring meat scraps when we come). What was neat about the park trip was that we went to this playground area (a castle type – great for kids of all ages) and PM was off and independent the whole time we were there. Often he is right by my side and won’t let me out of his sight for a second. LB just hung out on the swing while we were there – I think she could live on a swing (just today we were at a park and I swear I was pushing her constantly for close to an hour – until she was playing around and fell off).

While walking in the park PM was his usual self – keeping his sister in line and then trying to keep the dog in line as well. Now a dog not on the leash will fall behind and run ahead and run off in another direction – rare that they will walk beside you (Ruffian anyway). PM was keeping himself very busy calling her to catch up or to go this way or to slow down. She pretty much ignored him.

A few days later another sister was visiting with her two dogs, Toby and Hayakida (try yelling ‘Hiya’ around total strangers – either sounds like a greeting or a karate movement). These dogs loved the water around here and of course were not staying close by. PM’s anxiety over this was passed on to his sister. By the end she would freak out if they went near the water and especially if they were off the leash in any way. The kids sure love hanging out with the dogs – even if dogs like to do their own thing – kind of like the kids – you can’t tell them what to do either, let them run loose with some guidance and love and support and they will do what is right for them.

Life learning - no school required

When I was pregnant with PM I thought briefly of homeschooling and thought there was no way I could do such a thing. I don’t have the personality or patience. I couldn’t imagine sitting and making my child do work or teaching them something they aren’t interested in learning. Another good reason not to have kids in school right there – I dread the thought of feeling like my kid has to complete homework and I would be expected to make sure it gets done. There are enough things in life that I feel are important and schoolwork isn’t one of them.

So I had written off the idea of homeschooling but then when PM was young I was reading more about parenting and that led me to unschooling and it seemed so right. Of course! I trust my child in many ways – why not trust him to learn what he needs and wants to learn? Why not trust that it is natural to want to be a part of the life in which we belong – and learning is a constant in life.

As with other ‘big’ decisions I have made, once I realized unschooling was an option, I just took it on as the way things are. It is like this with vaccinations. I didn’t feel the need to research and read up on the pros and cons – it felt right and natural to steer clear of the jabs. And now it feels right and natural to trust that my kids are learning everyday regardless of the fact that we don’t have set learning schedules.

And now, as the kids grow and come into themselves, I am doubly glad that they don’t have to be shipped off to someone else to take care of them. PM is now 5 and I can’t see a school environment working for him. LB would be more able to take care of herself but I believe it would change some of her natural trust in the world and there’s plenty of time for that when she’s older.

Our journey is evolving and I trust we will have all we need to continue to give our kids the living environment they need…

Really, how long is 5 minutes?

The value of time???

I was noticing today how skewed an impression of time I must be giving the kids. It was a busy day and our last stop was to visit friends we hadn’t seen in a while. I kept saying it would be a short visit. We wouldn’t be able to stay long. You know that kind of routine.

By the time we said our hellos, sat outside a bit, hung out inside a bit, took a washroom break and said our goodbyes, our short 15 minute visit was an hour long. After our outside time when we went inside I said to the kids it would be about 5 minutes. I had a view of the clock and as the mom and I chat while the kids played I watched the minutes tick on and saw a good 20 minutes pass by.

So what am I teaching the kids about the perception of time? I have noticed this kind of scene before where I say 5 minutes and it ends up being at least 20. I am ready to leave, the kids aren’t and then by the time they are I am not anymore (and I know Thomas would point out they are just learning this from me).

Thomas doesn’t get into these time games with the kids but I have noticed that his perception of time and mine are different. If he says he will do x ‘right now’ I understand that could mean 20 minutes from now. ‘Soon’ can mean 45 minutes.

For me I see I need to become more in line with what I am saying and doing. If I am giving the kids all kinds of warnings about when we will be leaving perhaps I should be realistic in those warnings. Even if I say ‘in a little while’ I should at least make the commitment to myself how long that will be and attempt to stick with it.

This is similar to our getting out of the house. I don’t generally put a time on it to the kids (but do to myself). But I do often remember things last minute. I’m getting ready to go and then I remember to do one thing. I’m almost ready to go out the door and then remember to do another thing. I get out the door and then go back inside to do one more thing. I remember a quick phone call that needs to be made now.

Not sure what this is all about but I know with this awareness attached to it I can clean up my punctuality act a bit more. The thing with punctuality is that it’s with the kids that I am not on time. They are the ones that are suffering. I would like to give them a better example of working with time!

'Eat you bood, buh-da-bwy!’

We recently joined in with a group and bought some butterfly larvae. A neat idea. Something for everyone in there. Appropriate for different ages and levels. Unfortunately they were a bit older when we got them so they were getting ready for the chrysalis stage but we did get a bit of time watching the ‘caterpillars’.

The first evening while I was nursing LB to sleep I was wondering what PM was doing in the kitchen. He was being so quiet but ever so often I’d hear these louder, moving around, different noises. I was a little worried about the big mess that may be there when I was done.

When I finally go to PM he was sitting rolling around on my exercise ball, holding onto the kitchen counter and watching the caterpillars as they moved this way and that in their confined spaces. He was thrilled to watch them and was looking forward to watching more in the morning.

They reached the chrysalis stage and then we made the box for the butterfly home and the kids enjoyed that part as well. Scissors and tape – a great tool for many.

This morning we saw the butterfly. We were excited and I had PM run outside to get some flowers which we dipped in honey water for the butterflies. Meanwhile the first butterfly was moving its wings and just getting adjusted. LB is very excited and starts repeating over and over again to the butterfly “Eat you bood, buh-da-bwy!” Eventually it did find the honeyed flowers and I have taken the butterfly a couple of times from the water and placed it elsewhere as I was concerned about it drowning in there.

One of these small things that is fun for the whole family!

Struggle and change

Wondering why there is so much struggle around necessary changes. The struggle, the moods, the angst and then the change that brings relief. Why the struggle? Why not just an easy shift to a new easier way of being?

Viewing a perception of myself from another angle that brings pain. I don’t want to be perceived as living with foolish pride. This can’t be me and yet I see the truth in it. Why do I make things so hard for myself? Why do I create all this stress? I can see it. I can feel the pain AND I can know I am not alone. I am not the only one that creates unnecessary struggle in her life. I am not the only one with limited and rigid beliefs that have me on a roller coaster ride between feeling ok about myself and feeling like a total loser.

I would like to embrace change rather than resist. I would like to move along without the struggle and limited beliefs that bring extra pain. Freedom of mind and of actions. Trusting myself to do right by me. Trusting myself to deal with changes and to keep up with myself. Heya Self – let’s work together – we’re on the same team!

Donkey days

Though we didn’t actually make it to Donkey Days we spent some time at the donkey sanctuary. Neat place. Lots of donkeys. For us there was a special reason to go – Paco had to finally meet the donkey with the same name. Cute little scruffy looking donkey. I think Linsy was really hoping there would be one with her name. The closest was a Windy – which considering how she pronounces her name and how PM used to it is close enough.

Donkeys really are pleasant animals to be around.

I was standing there with the kids reading out loud to them bits about donkeys and mules when along comes Pansy and just slips in beside me and hangs out while I pet her with my arm around her neck. Something very peaceful about her presence – just being there and then moving along. It just is.

I’m guessing we’ll be going back there again. Friends and good weather and donkeys and sheep and goats – it works.

Equanimity and reactions

I came downstairs this evening. LB was asleep and PM was lying in bed doing what he does before falling asleep (I have lately been able to leave him there before he is actually asleep). Minutes later LB is crying and as I’m going upstairs I notice my first reaction is to blame PM for waking her up. Immediately I was able to shift this to just accepting that she has woken up. Perhaps he kicked her and she woke up. Perhaps he rolled into her and she woke up. Perhaps he was cuddling with her and she woke up. Perhaps she just woke up!!

Who am I to go upstairs feeling blame towards PM when I know nothing of what has happened? It just isn’t fair and it happens all too often around here. She cries loud and PM gets the blame. His reaction when I got upstairs was the same ‘taunting’ smile and laugh that he has that I find infuriating. How dare he laugh when he has done something ‘wrong’? (‘Ha ha! I just bonked LB on the head!’ Meanwhile she is screaming in pain.) I didn’t bite the bait this time. I just gave LB the boob and sent love towards PM.

It is important to me to change my reaction. It isn’t about blame. It isn’t who did what to whom. It isn’t about feeling extra anger based on his laugh and smile (could just be a nervous reaction or a laugh that says he knows he did something that wasn’t supportive). In all honesty I know I can laugh or smile in inappropriate situations. It’s not taunting. It’s not goading. It’s just an automatic reaction. Extra anger will not change the reaction.

My reaction ought to just deal with the situation at hand. Insults are unnecessary and useless. Blame or anger towards any of the folks involved is a waste of energy and helps to destroy the loving connection.

So LB woke up and cried. I lay beside her until she was sleeping soundly again. By that time PM was as well. All is well and I wasted less energy getting upset about a minor incident…