Intuitive phone calls

Today as I was preparing dinner in the kitchen, I thought of a friend, went to the phone and started dialing. Half way through the number (long distance as most of my phone calls are) I sort of paused and questioned whether I was calling who I thought I was. Yes it was the right number.

That’s how it often is for phone calls I make. I think the person’s name, go the phone and start dialing their number. Not thinking about the number or looking it up. I ‘do’ phone numbers. A while back it happened that I thought of a friend, went to the phone and stood there blank. I tried to recall her number but it wasn’t there. I had to go look it up. Unusual yet in a case like that I would take it to mean that it is not the ‘right’ time to call this person. I may dial the number and hit the wrong key or get a busy signal or something happens that has me realize that if the person does answer the phone it will not be a good time for them. Or likely I will get the answering machine or something of that sort.

A few weeks ago I was driving in Toronto. I saw a delivery truck, noticed the logo, then spoke the name of the company and rhymed off the phone number. As the truck came closer sure enough it was the right number. This is from a company that I called occasionally for my place of employment back about 15 years ago. I realized that if only I could remember people’s names and faces this well I would be much better off. You can write down someone’s phone number but not easily their appearance (though it is a definite convenience not to have to look up phone numbers all the time). I can have a conversation with someone and then the next time I see them am unlikely to remember their name and may not even recognize them (especially if they change their hair or something about their appearance). If I hear their voice I may recognize them. I guess we all have our strengths. I can appreciate the ones I have and work on enhancing other ones – like perception and remembering names…

What's your favourite number?

I was thinking today of the number 8 or perhaps more honestly the idea of ‘favourite number’. Somewhere or other down the line I decided that the number 8 was my favourite number. Today I was just wondering where that decision came from.

As a kid it was a big thing to know what your favourite number was. What’s your favourite number? What’s your favourite colour? What!?! – you mean I have to choose one? There are so many choices that have value and I am supposed to have a favourite? Yes, as a child you are expected to know your favourite colour and number.

So, I decided the number 8 was my favourite. Is there a reason? I guess there are many. Earlier on I was thinking about the circular appearance of the number, the fact that I like even numbers. And then just while writing this I think that somewhere in there is the fact that my best friend (see you’re also expected to pick a favourite friend) was born on the 8th. It seemed great to be born on the 8th (to be someone other than who I was). I was born on the 7th – missed it by a day. Perhaps part of me felt I would be more accepted if I was born on the 8th (I know I have come up with countless reasons over the years why I always felt like an outcast).

I wonder where I am going with this and I guess it is to reexamine my decisions for deciding this is my favourite number. I don’t have to have a favourite number. There are many great numbers to choose from (I have an association that anyone born on the 22nd must be very special and wanted my kids to be born on the 22nd – though I wondered if they wouldn’t come on the 11th because of T’s birthday and his other two kids).

Alas it looks like I can go on and on about numbers. Perhaps I shall stop here before I start going on about colours as well. I will just remember to evaluate favouritism in that area as well (purple was a favourite partially because it seemed like an ‘in’ colour for a while).

So many decisions that have been made in the past that affect life today and these decisions may be based on some small choice or observation that likely may not hold true today…

What is she doing now?

I had a good laugh the other day (ok I often get some kind of a laugh from something the kids do!). LB was doing something in the kitchen – actually she was playing with the toaster oven. Next thing I know she comes to me telling me she must go outside now. I have seen that determination before and knew there was no sense in trying to dissuade her. So I helped her on with her jacket and boots, opened the door for her and helped her down the stairs. Then I went back inside. She looked back at me and moved further out of my view. What was she up to? I pretended to move away but watch as she reaches into her pocket and pulls out the car keys. Ah-ha that’s what all the secrecy is about. Now what to do? I don’t want to go outside with her and have no intentions of going for a car drive. We also don’t allow the kids to play in the front seat of the car (T feels there are too many little things that, if broken, can require expensive repairs – I’ve already experienced that). I go and laughingly tell the story to T and PM is there. I wonder how I will get LB inside now without a fight. He takes off and runs outside telling LB that we aren’t going in the car now. He gets her interest in looking at a few things outside and then tells her it’s time to go inside. Works like a charm. Wow – thanks PM.

We have noticed he is becoming more accommodating to his sister. Nice to see. Of course there are still many times that he will do something to antagonize her but it is much better. It really is delightful when they play along together. I am very grateful that they both like each other. I know she absolutely adores her brother and he is very protective of her. The other day he was hugging her and said ‘I love you!’. Simple but a special thing to hear.

Kids as mirrors

I‘m sure I have written before about the challenges of watching my children take on issues that are painful to me. I have many a memory of feeling like an outcast and not fitting in. Heck, these are not only distant past memories but quite current as well.

I struggle with my emotions and sense of inadequacy as I see my kids not able to fit in with the group. Whether it is a smaller group of just a couple of other kids or a larger group we just don’t seem to have a way fitting in.

Kids are our mirrors are they not? If there’s an issue that is ripe and ready for healing no doubt some relationship will bring it front and centre. No wonder it is often our kids as they are likely our main relationship (along with our parenting partners). I know there are times where I can wish to be far away and not have to deal with myself. How ridiculous does that sound? If I am not with those I am in deep relationship with then I am also not with myself? Not likely! Brings about the mistaken idea that we can run away from situations by changing them. If there is something that needs healing then just changing those that put it ‘in our face’ is not going to solve the problem.

Just knowing this does not stop me from wanting to change it now and forever. Why can’t it just be different? What can I do to change this NOW? I just want the uncomfortable feelings to be over with but it may not be that simple. Perhaps they are there for a reason. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned. Hmmm – brings it back to patience again. Bring it on…

Parenting - Quick fix vs. long term results

I swear emotions are flipping all over the place. Not sure exactly what my excuse is – hormones, diet, being a mom?? Heck at least I’m not eating sugar to blame that. I suppose for LB she has the excuse of being a two-year old. Cute as heck, saying the most outrageous things and then flipping out because of some seemingly small incident.

I learned long ago not to try to force my will on LB. It just doesn’t work. There have been a few times where I haven’t had the patience to try to find the magic answer and have barged ahead to make her do as I want. She will scream and tantrum long beyond my level of staying with it. I just want to undo what it is I have done to bring on this tantrum. So I have learned that having the patience in the moment to find a workable solution actually saves much time and energy as dealing with the tantrums uses up many resources.

When in the throes of a tantrum I just want to say ‘Alright, you win, let’s do it your way!’. Sometimes I will take that approach but then I wonder about consistency and sticking with my original decision. At least this makes me think ahead with more of a long-term mindset – probably good for me.

Then of course there are her many cries as she tries to get her way with her brother. She has learned that she can come telling me all about what he has done. I try to take a balanced view rather than taking sides but I know there are times where I blame him or tell him to do otherwise. Not fair to both of them. Just today as we were walking out of the post office with the kids running behind me LB takes a wipe out on the floor. I know she hit my boot – did she trip over it? Did she just trip and stumble? Did PM knock her over? I don’t know and really it doesn’t matter but I still ask ‘Did you knock her over?’. That’s not fair to him. I regretted asking that. As another mom mentioned today – it’s not the story that is so important it is how they are doing now.

If I fall into blaming PM or taking sides then I support more struggles between them. Whenever possible then I try to stay out of it or add suggestions that can make something work for both of them. Other times I may feel completely overwhelmed by dealing with the fallout of their disagreements and yell to get results. Not productive.

So I can see ways to make things work and that there are solutions. Other times I just fall back on wanting to get answers or wanting to just barge ahead for quick fixes. Just another part of the roller coaster. Sometimes I am up for the task of being a present parent and other times I am not.

Mo boo-beh-wies peas!

We were driving home from the market this afternoon and LB calls out from the back ‘I want booby’. I tell her to wait until we get home. I stop off to pick up some frozen blueberries. Booby is all but forgotten. ‘Boo-beh-wies! I want boo-beh-wies!’ I tell them they have to wait until we get home. Eating blueberries in the car would make a big blue and purple mess and T would likely disown us and never let us in the car again.

They sure enjoyed those blueberries. ‘Mo boo-beh-wies, Mommy!’ Licked up every last purple bit from the bowl. Then they were fighting over who gets to lick the last purple dregs from T’s bowl.

LB seems to be quite thrilled with colours and numbers. She will be reading a book and naming different colours on the page. She was doing a wooden puzzle with different coloured shapes. Then she takes the pieces and names the colours and lays them in a line. Then she lays them out and counts them. I had been wondering how much she understands about numbers but apparently she does quite a bit. She counted out 9 puzzle pieces and can continue counting higher. I suppose it helps that PM is into numbers and will counts many things that come across his path in a day.

I can really appreciate how PM likes to keep his ‘guys’ neat and tidy. They each have their place and most have their own special truck to drive. The end of the day and they are standing in their spot with some guys ready for more action in the fire truck. There are those that are not the characters of the day that are in a pile with other trucks and Lego pieces on the shelf but they don’t get thrown around. I really could learn a thing or two from PM and his father. Then again he can also leave some good messes at the end of the day though nothing compared to his sister. I trust she’ll get there as well…

Comparison and Competition

I have been raised with a great deal of competition where grades count for a lot. I received a lot of praise and I think this too enhances the self vs. others which is how I see comparison. Whenever I compare myself to another or compare two things, no matter how great they are, one will come up short.

I don’t like the idea of comparison and yet I do it. Though I don’t do it in front of the kids I compare them to one another. I notice the speed at which they both learned to walk and talk. I notice how they may both be learning things simultaneously even though there is almost 3 years between them. I may mention to T differences or comparisons but as I said I don’t think it’s fair to discuss these in front of the kids.

Yet I see the competition in PM for sure (and even in LB). Some of it is perhaps a sibling issue but much of it is the one-upmanship I previously mentioned. He wants to have the biggest treat (be it fig or cake or protein source or whatever). He wants to do that which she is doing. If she’s brushing her teeth or having them brushed he has to as well. If she’s having her nails clipped he needs to have his done even though he doesn’t like this procedure at all. If he gets something she has to have the same.

So I’ve said I don’t like it and said I do make comparisons both with myself and with others. I am competitive and my children are as well. Is it strictly from me (and their father) they adopt these traits or is it also a part of our society as it is now? Can we escape the pitfalls of comparison and competition? I wish I remember where I read this but recently saw that womyn tend to be more competitive than men. Is this strictly in the work world or is it nature – didn’t say?

I can question and I can bring awareness to my own part in it and do my best to stay away from all judgment – be it good or bad because it all leads to comparison and competition. I can also strive to be perfect, tee hee, and offer myself love and compassion when I invariably fall short.

Two year old talk and five year old traits

Interpreting the talk of a two year old isn’t always easy. Lately there is much more of the whine factor added in and this makes it even harder. Often it doesn’t seem like such a big deal but if she gets upset about something and insists on you solving problem which she is telling you about in complete whine and cry mode it is real challenge. I get a sense of victory when I get that emphatic ‘yeah!’ which tells me I guessed the right answer. Of course if I am clueless to what she is talking about this makes it even worse.

Here is an example with close approximation of what one would hear.
Wannn, doo, breee, pore, vive, icks, ewen, aite, aing, enn,…
In this case it is not so hard to understand what is being said – numbers (yes they are numbers) are said with a certain rhythm and often are spoken in order. If we’re talking colours that is pretty easy too and she is very into mentioning the different colours lately. As a guess I would say that yellow is the favourite.

PM is his amazing 5 year old self. I can feel such good feelings when I watch him treating his sister with such compassion and empathy. He will do his utmost to help her with whatever it is at moment. They will play together and he will include her in. Then he is directing the movement and telling her what to do and how to do it and things go awry. She digs in her heels and resists and he becomes determined that it must be this way. Eventually something gives only unfortunately it is often my patience.

One trait I have a hard time with is ‘one upmanship’. I will see him rubbing something in her face. ‘Look what I have!’ ‘I have more than you do!’ ‘Don’t you want to do this? You really want this don’t you?’ It is a way of talking that gets her riled up and needing whatever it is he is teasing her about and then I am left with her in tears and in need of solutions that aren’t always apparent. I have seen and heard this conspiratorial way in others his age but that doesn’t make it any easier to handle. I just want him to leave her alone and do what it is he is doing without rubbing it in and attempting to get a reaction. I want her to stay away from him and ignore him but of course she adores him and often feels that what he is making such a big deal about must be pretty special and important.

PM is my sheepdog or Border collie. Everyone has to stay together. If LB is refusing to get into the car and I pretend to be going without her he freaks out. ‘She has to come with us. We can’t leave LB here!’ If we are walking somewhere and she falls a few steps behind PM is jumping up and down trying to corral her into walking more closely to us. She resists this and then will either walk slower or stop altogether. Then I end up with two upset kids. PM is certain of impending doom when we are not in a very close knit group and LB is upset at being held onto or told where to go and how. She really does not like it if he holds onto her in an overprotective way.

In this kind of situation I just try to remain calm and let PM know we will stay together. I do my best to show him how we are safe and reassure him that we will stay together. I figure someday it won’t be such a big issue for him. When I am calm about it I can just appreciate his concern and love and feel blessed that he is exactly the way he is. When I’m uptight about the situation I think it would do me some good to give myself a big dose of compassion and understanding so that I have more to pass onto the kids. I’m working on that.