Time of chaos

What a couple of weeks it has been around here. Overwhelming. Emotional. Exhausting. Tumultuous.

The kids had colds – not a big deal as they fared quite well and it wasn’t too serious. I get the flu. Ick. Not only that we have people over that day so I can’t rest (can I anyway as a mom to two?).

Then two days later Thomas is pruning apple trees and the branch he is standing on gives way. He crashes down and does pretty bad damage to his ribs and the muscle/cartilage in between. Just don’t move or cough or sneeze.

Somewhere in this time I also have computer problems which still aren’t completely fixed. Lots of help from T, a visit to a computer store and still getting errors but at least I know how to get the volume back. Before it just kept disappearing and I didn’t know how to stop it.

Then 5 days after the fall Thomas also gets the flu. That intense feeling of nausea and the fear that he may actually vomit as it would cause intense pain in the ribs. Luckily he got better quickly after a day in bed.

I am an emotional wreck though. Don’t talk to me. Angry in so many ways. Lots of self judgment and criticism. Rough time. Then I miss the last step on the way into the basement. Crash down as I fall over my right foot. Pain. I lie on the floor for a long time and eventually am able to get up though things continue to remain black and I see stars. I managed to crawl back upstairs and sat on a chair but had to lie down on the floor before I pass out again.

Luckily Thomas and the kids were a big help as it is hard to hobble on only one foot. Also lucky that it is only a sprain and not a break. The pain was less intense than the sprain from back in ’99 (another fall down stairs leading to a basement – how am I missing a step on the way to the subconscious?) but more acute in certain areas which made me a bit concerned. Now a few days later the pain is much better and I can walk with only a small limp and go up and down stairs on my feet. A relief for my knees as they were very sore from crawling all over the house. I am left with a foot that is still quite swollen with a bruise that goes from the toes to the heel and up to the ankle – covering a good half of the foot!

An interesting thing was that LB was being pretty good about using the potty. I think it has been a couple of weeks since we’ve had a pee on the carpet. I was noticing that and very happy about that but still feeling like I don’t want to be silly and put away diapers prematurely this time – like I did weeks after I took her out of diapers at 18 months and then a short time later realized she wasn’t using the potty for anything other than poos anymore (grateful for part of the pottying equation). So from 19 months to 25 months we had pee wherever she pleased. A frustrating time as I couldn’t get or keep diapers on her.

So today she is going to the potty for a poo and pees her pants. OK no big deal though I am a little surprised. Then hours later (after holding on for a long time) she pees on the bed! Argh! Please I don’t want to be back here again. I seem to have some serious issues in this area as the kids act out with toileting.

It is Thomas that the kids will listen too. I so remember PM saying to him “Dad, get LB of the stairs – mom can’t do it”. There are many things I can’t do with the kids without tantrums or power struggles. LB will strip down and I know I can’t fight her about clothes. Sometimes I can just tell her to bring her pants to her dad and that will work. Other times when he sees her state of undress he tells her to get her clothes and for the most part he can get her dressed again. Much to work on in my relationships and issues of control. These bring on the power struggles and we end up at odds. I end up frustrated and feeling powerless and the kids lose their sense of who’s who in our relationship.

Oh ya know just more stuff to work on but at the same time it seems to be part of the greater package of issues I have in front of me. Why can’t we be perfect? Life is easy and simple. All my relationships sail along with ease and joy and unconditional love. Well I can hope anyway and otherwise keep working with what is in front of me…

Depressed mom and a rough day

I wake up from a rough night feeling depressed. Bad dreams, issues in my face, feeling triggered and trapped – ya know the usual. Of course the kids wake up too. We lie in bed and they get ‘booby’. I can handle this – I can lie there, feel sorry for myself and nurse my wounds. Then we get up and the usual chaos ensues. Yikes – you mean I have to be able to be on and be a full-time parent when I feel like I want to bury my head in the sand? How do I do this?

The poor kids bear the brunt of my bad moods. My patience is lower to start off with. I am unhappy with many things. I snap at them for no real reason. This doesn’t seem fair. The poor kids and poor me. I shouldn’t have to be on 24/7. I should have more back up and support. I shouldn’t be such a basket case still dealing with issues that keep spiraling around again and again and again and again and… Should, should, should – just another weight on the should-ers.

Last week I had the flu. Just happened to be the day we had visitors. So I kept going. Hung out, cooked an extra dinner, and well kept going until the kids were in bed and then I crashed too. T gets the flu and spends 90% of the day in bed.

I can see a lot of this is my own creation but also parenting in this day and age is too solitary an activity. I ought to have more people there to help out. Sure if I choose to spend time in the kitchen then others ought to be able to spend extra time in another place to help out. We need others. I need others. I need help. Heck I have needs coming out all over the place and no solutions in sight.

Oh well, life continues. Make it through the day without being too horrible to the kids (though there were a couple of moments that I was berating myself for speaking so harshly or cruelly). It has been too easy to call myself names and not to offer the empathy and support I so desperately need. Getting the kids to bed and we have a great big group hug and I let them know how happy I am they are in my life, how much I appreciate them. Big kisses all around. It may not make up for the fact their mom has been a real b***h lately but it is something in the hopes of maintaining our connection.

½ hour later

But what about this? I was just thinking of something PM did at yoga today. He was being bossy with another boy, making a nasty face and speaking in a rude way to the boy to get him to do what he wanted. I mentioned to PM that if he wants to play with another or be close to him than it is better to speak in a kind way. I also wondered where he learned such behaviour from. Look no further, Shera, your search is over. Look inside and look outside at how you are with your kids when you are not in a good space or feeling rushed. I don’t use words and kindness then but try to speak in an authoritative way (i.e. bossy and rude) to get the results I want. OUCH! Glad to see the results I am getting and how useless such behaviour is. I also mentioned to PM that all he is doing is scaring the other boy away from him and that is going against the outcome that he desired. And here I am hoping that hugs and kisses will make up for nasty words and short tempers. I don’t think so. Consistency is key – and that includes more respectful treatment.

Kids are in your face mirrors – enlightening but it can be painful. However I can appreciate the lesson as well.

Communication and a 2-year old

LB is at the age where her vocabulary is growing in leaps and bounds. Her use of words is becoming more creative as well. Precocious? Perhaps.

Today she came into the kitchen carrying the book box and looking inside. I asked her if she wanted me to clean it out and she did. Then I asked her ‘What happened to all the books?’ She looks at me and responds ‘Oh, All over the place.’ Yup. What can I say to that? The longer sentences and the stringing along of the words.

Empathy is very important to LB. If she falls or hurts herself she needs me to say what I believe happened and she will validate it. ‘Oh you feel and banged your cheek on the table’. ‘Ya, eek, table, ow’ ‘That really hurt did it?’ ‘Ya!’ Kisses are also required to the injured area. A whole process that is required before she is ready to move on.

If PM has upset her she is also quick to tell me what he did wrong and how he hurt her. I try to be careful not to take sides in a situation like this as I don’t want to foster the ‘tattle-tale’ in her and I could see that happening. Unfortunately there are times where I will ask him to change his course. ‘Please stop playing with her hair – she’s saying she doesn’t like it.’ ‘Get your hands off her bum!’ ‘You know she doesn’t like you holding on to her. She’s saying she wants you to let go.’ So I definitely do interfere more than I would like however I guess in some ways I am interpreting what she is saying to him. Thing is – he already knows what she’s saying and what she does and does not like. It’s a hard call to make sure I let them fight their own battles but also be there as a buffer for uncomfortable situations.

And if she is mad – look out! We will hear all about it. She goes on in great detail about what is wrong, who wronged her, what she wants or whatever the story is. Honestly speaking I understand only a word or two from the whole tirade. She is rather expressive with hand movements and exclamations. Even though it is frustrating for all when she is having a temper tantrum sometimes I just smile at this little being as she makes her way in the world of communication.

Control and forgiveness

There are many times that my life feels out of control. Perhaps it’s not my life that’s out of control but my reactions that are. Yikes control is such a big issue – so convoluted, insidious and all empowering – na, it’s disempowering. Feeling of power and the loss thereof when the control turns on itself and creates suffering in all.

Speaking of power the lights just flickered. Is it the above line that is speaking some deep truth that needs to be explored? Really I can acknowledge the suffering in control. I can understand reasons why it is so big in my life. The funny thing is that it’s the feeling of powerlessness that is a big factor of the need for control. And of course control only brings about less power to all involved. Another element that feeds on itself. Like an eating disorder? Feeding on oneself and maintaining an element of control except it is the self that is controlled. Another plan that backfires. ‘Ha I will hurt you, I will make you suffer the way you have made me suffer. Wait I am suffering more than even now! What have I done? What have you done to me?’ And the circle continues until complete forgiveness is achieved.

Forgiveness to the self for being in this situation. Forgiveness for not sticking up for myself and allowing this to happen. Forgiveness to all that did some form of controlling even if it was in the name of love. Even though the anger isn’t acknowledged, the feeling is still there and can pop out unannounced with full force. Forgive the anger. Forgiveness to the current self for the games it plays. Forgiveness of the controlling self. Forgiveness of control in general.

What does it mean to forgive? To see the situation for what it is and to take the charge out of it. I see what is happening. I see what has happened. I deserve to be supported now. I deserve to be empowered. You deserve to be empowered. I have much to be grateful for. I have life. You have life. I bestow blessings on you and on all those past and present that have entered my life. I am blessed.

What forgiveness brings is appreciation. Gratitude. No matter how bad things are there is much to be appreciated. There are so many wonderful, caring, loving people around. Sure we all have dysfunctions but we do our best with what we have at this time.

A change in attitude brings freedom and freedom is what my life is all about. So bring it on. The freedom. The change. The love. The forgiveness. The gratitude. The appreciation for all that is. Life.

ps I sat down with the intention of writing about Family Yoga. The kids in the yoga class that we frequent together. The place we went today. The way we all benefit. However life took over and writing of another importance came out. Even the best plans may go astray...

Green muffins

I like to snack. Nowadays bought snacks are generally sugar filled concoctions devoid of nutrition. I prefer to prepare my own foods. I like to keep things sugar-free. By sugar-free I am not talking about artificial sweeteners and I’m not even talking about those natural sweeteners such as honey and maple syrup and rice syrup. What I will use to sweeten things are fruits and not those sugary dried fruits like dates either (those can be addictive little sugar bombs – I know).

So I’m often on the lookout for interesting snack foods that the kids will like as well. Grain-free can be a benefit as well. When baking grain free, nut flour can get pretty expensive. My latest experiment was with sunflower seed flour. Did you know sunflower seeds can turn green when baked??

I’m also experimenting with egg whites as we have an abundance of those as breakfast often includes a couple of egg yolks raw without the whites.

Green muffins

The outside looks unassuming and brown like a regular muffin. The inside is a distinct colour of green.

1.5 cups sunflower seed flour (grind in coffee grinder)

¼ or less cup coconut oil, melted

4 or 5 egg whites beaten with some salt until stiff

¾ cup or less pear butter (I used a home made one which was just pureed whole pears that were gently cooked for a long time)

Chopped dried apricots – I didn’t use these but imagine they may make a nice addition

Mix flour with pear butter and then mix in oil. Gently fold in egg whites and fill muffin cups with mixture.

Bake at 300 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes or so.

For these muffins I used my new silicone muffin trays. What a concept! I have yet to hear anything negative about the use of silicone in baking. I’m on the lookout. Anyway here I have these flimsy, plastic look-alike muffin trays. Surely they will melt when you put them in the oven. They don’t. The muffins come out easily. They are easy to clean up. Neat! I don’t think these muffin cups will take over my beloved baking stone muffin tray but a definite convenience with a place in my kitchen for sure.

Organic vs. Commercial

Organic is sort of a way of life here. I take it for granted that every Wednesday we will drive to the organic farmer’s market and stock up on produce for the week. Also on Saturdays we will go the Guelph farmer’s market and then the health food store to pick up anything else we need. Part of the routine.

Now what isn’t built into the week is the grocery store. It is an extra stop and something I need to fit in on another outing. Lately however I’ve wanted to fit it in on a weekly basis and that isn’t always convenient or easy. Why weekly? Because I have been buying commercial avocados.

To me this seems so ironic. Organic is there and convenient and I have to go out of my way to buy commercial and on top of that I’m paying more for commercial! Yes, the regular avocadoes at the grocery store are more than the organic I can buy. So why do I buy commercial? Too many bad experiences with the organic ones. They don’t ripen properly – they turn brown, too many spots, the flavour isn’t right. It just doesn’t work out.

This week I bought organic again so I will try it out. Ever so often I will get organic ones to see if this batch will be different. Someday the organic quality will be there as well. Then again maybe I should stay away from avocados and pineapples (another product that I have had little success when buying organic) and eat more locally.

Perception of my kids

I will sometimes look at PM and think how cute he is. I also sometimes wonder how others view him. I know we all see people differently. I’ve seen other moms looking at their children with an appreciation and love I understand. Part of that look says “isn’t he the cutest, most gorgeous being on this earth!”. Not everyone would agree with the mom. Others will see the child as an outsider and more likely see imperfections
as well as the beauty.

So I wonder how it would feel to view my kids as an outsider. Seeing my child through the veil of motherhood is interesting because even when I am mad or upset about something he has done, and having a hard time remembering my love for him, I can still look at him and see a cute kid. I wonder if it’s because he is a part of me but I can look at myself and not like my looks at all. Then again I guess the perception of self is off as well.

My perception of the two kids is also different. PM has always been beautiful in my eyes. With LB it is one of those cases where she is looking cuter as she gets older.

Another example of how our perception of things is a very individual experience.

Flax Seed Muffins

Another grain-free recipe with yummy but not overly sweet results.

2 cups ground golden* flax seeds – I take approx 1.5 cups of the whole seed and grind in coffee grinder (specifically used for seeds and nuts)

1 cup protein powder – I use hemp but I imagine any kind would work

2 tsp baking soda

1 Tbsp cinnamon (optional)

3 eggs, separated and 3 egg whites or 4 eggs, separated

1 tsp sea salt

½ cup to one cup kefir or yogurt (optional)

Juice of half lemon

1 tsp almond extract – I use Frontier alcohol free

2 tsp vanilla extract – I use Frontier alcohol free

¼ cup coconut oil, melted

Water – 1 – 2 cups

Mix dry ingredients in one bowl.

Mix egg yolks, kefir, lemon juice and extracts and approx 1 cup water. Mix in coconut oil.

Using hand blender or manual egg beater beat the egg whites until fluffy and almost stiff.

Carefully blend egg whites with rest of wet ingredients. Mix wet ingredients into dry. Let stand a while (maybe 10 minutes) and test for stiffness. Batter is always pretty goopy. I keep adding water and it keeps getting soaked up and the batter remains in one big goopy ball. Keep adding liquid until it seems like it isn’t being absorbed so quickly. Hard call here. I think I may add close to 2 cups water.

Fill muffin cups with batter (can be pretty much filled to the top). I usually let the mix sit for a few hours before baking.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and lower heat to 300-325 and putting muffins in. Bake for approx 40 minutes.

* I have found that golden flax seeds work better than regular brown ones. The muffins have a different texture when wet and rise better giving fluffier muffins.

Toe Jam revisited and words

I had a good laugh today. The kids and I were hanging out on the floor doing some stretches together. I took off my socks and LB literally pounces on my foot and starts inspecting for toe jam. Each toe was carefully inspected and when she came up empty handed she looked over her own toes again. So cute.

The other day I was commenting to LB that I could find any pants for her: “You have tops coming out of your ears and no pants!” She gave me a confused look and touched her ears. I laughed because I was just thinking of the expression but not at the actual words that are used.

Speaking of words I have noticed that PM gets his ‘mords wixed’ as much as his mother. There was a great one a while ago which I wrote down – now if only I could find the paper I wrote it on. Something like: “I got my pants a pair of self”. Perhaps it is not thinking about what I’m saying but just talking for the sake of talking that has me speak nonsense with words mixed all over. Maybe I’ll learn to think before I talk or stop talking just for the sake of saying something (then again most of what I say is important to me as I imagine it is to most people).

Blah, blah, blah…

Learning Styles and Music

I find it interesting to observe the natural differences between the children. One very obvious way their learning styles come out is when they are listening to music.

With new music Paco will get very quiet, stay almost still and listen very intently to the words. Put on a cd and Linsy will dance. They both like to stand close to the CD player but one is still and the other is constantly moving and experimenting with movements. Music is important to both of them in their own ways.

Paco is a talker and can carry on a constant stream of talk about this or that and so it is surprising for him to be quiet. But he takes in a lot via auditory channels. Linsy moves and experiences in a different way. Not sure yet but I would put her more as kinesthetic. I think they both also have visual to them (perhaps thus the need to be close to the source of the music).

I enjoy the observation of these differences between kids and situations. We are all so different (but let us remember we are all connected).

Flax Crackers

¾ cup flax seeds, soaked overnight with just enough water to cover completely

¾ cup sunflower seeds, soaked overnight

1 large carrot

3 stalks celery

¼ cup dried tomatoes, soaked

½ cup or more parsley

Garlic – optional

1 tsp salt

1 tsp or more Frontier Mexican spice blend

Blend carrot, celery, tomatoes, parsley, garlic, salt and spice with a bit of the tomato water till smooth. I use the Vita Mix for this. Add the drained sunflower seeds and blend until smooth adding more of the soak water if necessary. The mixture will be thick and goopy. Mix together in bowl with the flax seeds (they likely have soaked up all the water so no draining is necessary).

Spread onto Teflex sheets, cut squares with a knife (or let the kids cut the lines which will be anything but square) and put in dehydrator. Start off at a higher temp (135) for a couple of hours and then turn down to 100. Flip the crackers after about 6 - 8 hours and continue drying till hard (overnight works).

Yum yum!